So. This post will have a trigger warning. If you proceed to read through, thank you. If not, thank you for taking care of yourself. I understand. Also there may be some Euphoria spoilers.
Valentines Day was yesterday. I spent some time in bed with Nezuko, and then hung out with one of my best friends. Fun conversation, laughs, oui’d, and a really good movie on Netflix. Love and Leashes. My friend picked it, and I’m glad she did. It’s a cute movie and does a great job at introducing BDSM dynamics. I highly recommend it.
After my friend went home, I proceeded to get in some me time. Cleaned this apartment, cleaned up after Nezuko, rolled a blunt, and watched Jujutsu Kaisen from the bathtub. Took a nice steamy hot bath. Even threw a bath bomb in that bitch. Once I got out, I started to do my skin care. I had my aloe vera, straight from PR, out, rinsed, and ready to go.
I cut off a piece, and went to moisturize myself in the bathroom. As I was slathering some aloe on my left leg, I realized. I love myself.
It wasn’t a realization that I really put together until today. I had therapy.
Now here is where we are gonna get into the nitty gritty.
Folks are watching Euphoria right now, I’m sure. I see ya’ll tweets. These last two episodes have been sad as hell. Ep. 6, in particular. We’re instantly thrown into Rue’s home and she’s going through withdrawal. Had this not been mentioned, I would have thought she was having a manic episode. I’m sure you could still call what she had….a manic episode.
She’s yelling, screaming, and letting every harsh emotion come out. Verbally, emotionally, and physically. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see myself being played out on the screen before me.
“You hate me!?!? Well so do I!!”
I despised myself. I hurt myself. I hurt those around me. I was the worst part of myself I had ever seen. I was embarrassing. I felt embarrassed of my behavior. People I loved were afraid of me. I was manic.
Mania for me is heart racing, words spewing from my mouth, long text messages being sent, intense surges of emotion. Anger. Hate. Sadness. Stress. I would say it was some monster. But no. It was me. That was me.
I didn’t know how to help myself. In those moments, I surely wanted to die. I didn’t want to exist. I felt like an absolute burden. I didn’t know how to communicate my needs because I didn’t even know what I needed. The come down isn’t the worst, and it ain’t the best. Once my mind started to slow down, I felt horrible. There was always a “lets asses the damage” kind of moment after it all. What did I break? Am I hurt? Who do I need to apologize to?
The clean up? Embarrassing. Just embarrassing, nothing else to say really.
The meds I had at the time weren’t doing shit. Fillers in an anime if you will. Just. There. And that would be a fucking loop right, someone asking me if I was “taking my meds?”. Girl, I did, and look at where we are.
Things had to change, the way I felt about myself had to change, and I had some healing to do. Change is scary, but sometimes badly needed. My psychiatrist at the time seemed to have a hard time refiling my medication. So I found a new psychiatrist. Found a new therapist as well. Both are Black Women. I’m Black, I wanted my mental health professionals to be Black.
Changed up my medication because what I had surely was just filling space. I was scared to make that change. Anti-depressants aren’t my favorite thing in the world. That adjustment period can be some shit. Questioning yourself and the medication. Holding on just long enough to see it all pay off. Eventually I did see a pay off.
Now I’m bringing you into the present.
I have great friendships. I have a cat, named Nezuko, that really helps with my anxiety. She is so affectionate and follows me everywhere. I don’t know what I did to deserve her, but I’m so happy. I’m out here smiling more. At some point I remember looking at photos and not seeing many smiles. I changed that.
Took a trip with some friends this year and tried to let some fears die down. I’m still in my head about my content. I always am. Something just hasn’t clicked the way I need it to in that sector of my brain just yet.
I stopped drinking. Haven’t had a sip of alcohol in one year and five months. That in itself was a journey. That in itself deserves its own space to flourish.
I’ve been indulging in myself. Loving on myself. Spoiling myself. To the point where I say this self-love is getting violent. I finally have the space to DO THE WORK. I spend tons of time in self-retrospection. I spent some solid time thinking about my gender the other day. It was so cool because I’ve never analyzed my gender the way I have my sexuality. Not that that needed much analyzing.
But this gender thing? Wild. Crazy. What did I figure out?
I’M STILL WORKING IT OUT😃
Fun shit. Some real fun shit.
All around I’m having a great time. Enjoying new experiences and taking some journeys.
Thank you for reading!!!! 💕✨💕
I enjoyed writing this one. I’m an advocate for self-love and taking care of your mental health. I’m an advocate for people just being themselves.
Hope you liked this one, hope you had a great V-Day.
Time has been getting away from me so I’ll be cleaning house for about two days. 😅.
Once again, thank you for reading. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being you. See yah next time!!