Lingerie Slayer

I feel some depression.

I surely feel anxious.

TW: Suicide Mention

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist last week. And I did float the idea of going up in Lexapro. Floated the idea because I’m doing many things that I have not done before. I haven’t been doing as much yoga and stretching. (Which has bit me in the ass. I’m taking a lil break from the gym. I need to stretch. I need to dance. I need to move my body in different ways.) I’m having an issue with being vulnerable. Pouting cause I didn’t really want to tell you that but here we are.

It’s the “newness” of it all thats pushing the anxiety. Now while I am anxious, I know there are things I can do to quell my anxiety. Coloring, video games, makeup, writing, reading, less time online, laying on the floor with Nezuko, just laying on the floor in general. Let my psychiatrist know that I would check in with her around the end of the month. So far, so good. Because today I surely could have crashed out. Got a message that my birth control script wasn’t automatically refilled. Immediately I’m like, “but I NEED that for my PMDD.”. Driving home. Thoughts racing through my head knowing damn good and well this is the last pack I’m on. The last week I’m on. The message also said that I needed to make an appointment with my provider. I don’t have anything scheduled concerning my gyno. I should be all good. While driving I’m having so many thoughts about PMDD and the whole bleeding thing of a period. Racing thoughts. Just going.

I get home, drop my bags down. Run into the bathroom to see if by some magical chance I forgot I had another pack. Nope. Then I call my gyno, it’s after hours so the person I’m talking to can’t help me. She’s kind though, and feels my urgency/worry when I mention PMDD. She jots all of this down and sends it off to someone else. They won’t be calling back today. That’s fine. Today’s worry is tomorrow’s problem. Deep breathing and blasting some Fall Out Boy surely stopped the crash out before it began. Shout out to therapy.

I cry so much in therapy. It’s the only time I cry at this point.

I’ve had dreams that push the tears to the surface. Or nightmares, I guess I should say. All I know is I wake up, tears streaming down my face, pillow lightly soaked, gasping for air. These panic attacks don’t happen often. Although, I should jot down when they do happen so I can get a better view of what’s going on emotionally. When they do happen it’s rattling. Even as I sit here trying to explain what is felt in my body, my heart is racing. Because I’m picturing myself shooting awake and sitting straight up. Trying to make sense of what I remember while also calming myself. That shit is so annoying.

What’s really annoying is OCD.

It’s not always having a space that is exactly prim and proper. Although when things are moved around in my space? That can give me some anxiety. My OCD shows up as intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts that are full of worry. Did I leave the stove on? Did I leave a candle on? Questions that burn into my mind until I go and make sure I haven’t. I have been driving to a destination, and completely turned around because I needed to check.

The last time I did this. A part of me knew that the worry wasn’t true, but another part of me had to see it for myself. I turn my car around. I check. And I felt this surge of sadness. I wanted to cry and scream at this ridiculous idea that I let control me. Ridiculous to me, but not ridiculous to the worry.

No tears were shed. I just went about my day. I wanted to cry, I was preparing myself to cry, but the lack of time I had to sit with this emotion was very apparent. I mean I could have said fuck everything I had going on and just let it out, but no.

As I continue writing this I need you to know that I’m alright. I have support. I’m not in this alone. Although it can feel that way. Going back and forth with your own mind is frustrating. Going back and forth with your pharmacy and doctor’s office about medications is frustrating. The political climate we live in is frustrating.

Vulnerability was something that came up in therapy. Writing has always been a space of vulnerability. I remembered writing about suicide. Posted to my WordPress account way before it was all this. That was a freeing moment. Allowing my fingers to dance along the keyboard before I clicked ‘publish’. This is an exercise in beating back that executive dysfunction. Cause fuck it.

To ease my anxieties I played in some dirt. Working on growing some herbs, aaaannnd I wonder if I could grow a few vegetables. I’m not sure what that would entail. The only plants I have are bamboo and all they need is water every now and then. I was finding joy in bringing roses in my home, until my last batch sent me into a sneezing fit. Lego flowers ain’t ever did me wrong. Anyway, yes, herbs. Basil, thyme, cilantro, and dill. Set my basil up in the sun. Will be making space for everything else.

Returning to nature always grounds me. Earth Sign. Virgo. Makes sense. Worries melt away when I’m sitting on a blanket in the park getting into a good book. Reading has been really fun lately. I’m obsessed with Libby. My current physical read is Nasty Work by Ericka Hart. This one is quite fitting for mental health awareness month. For me at least. Being hypersexualized takes a toll on my own mental, and hypersexuality of the Black body is discussed early on. It’s always a good jawn when I’m slamming the book down and nodding my head in agreement.

It’s raining heavy right now, and I turned off all the lights in my house. IFKYK. It’s a storm I’ve been waiting on all day. I need a release this massive. This profound. This poetic. I have been finding release in other ways. Laughter is a big one. It feels so good to laugh. Feels good to laugh until I’m in tears. Thankfully my friends are funny as hell. I’ve also been watching Josh Jo-

🪫The power went out as I was writing. Lost internet connection. Nothing major, it’s all good. I saw my kitchen lights flicker earlier and figured this might happen. Only thing disturbed was laundry.🪫

So yeah I’ve been watching Josh Johnson standup, it’s been hilarious. I think the power running out is my cue to wrap this up. Wrap it up so I can hit publish and enjoy this storm.

Thank you so much for reading and being here with me. Take care of yourself. Thank you once again, and I’ll see you next time.💞