During a therapy session I jokingly asked my therapist, “if I ignore it will it go away?”
I love going to the movies. So much so that I go by myself. If I have the time, I’ll slide in on a matinee showing. The day I woke up to go to the movies felt like any other day. Getting myself ready to head out the door, thinking about what snacks, thinking about the breakdown that I’m going to watch after for easter eggs I’ve missed; the usual. It was a sunny day. A nice summer day.
The drive to the theater isn’t long, I’ve got it all timed out. I’m running a bit behind, but that ain’t anything new. Walking out I have thoughts bubbling. That’s nothing new. Thinking about work, thinking about what’s left for the day, thinking about candles and locked doors. One of these thoughts feels particularly unusual. Strong. Loud. The further I get, the thought becomes clear.
I’m in the car. I’m on the highway. But I can’t get this thought out of my head.
Turn back around you left the candle on.
I’m trying to ignore it. Going over every single thing I did before I left the house. Step. By. Step. Telling myself that it wouldn’t make sense to turn around. I know what I did. This thought is just a thought. I can ignore it.
Turn back around you left the candle on. The house is going to burn down. When you get back home there will be firetrucks outside. Nezuko won’t be okay. All of this because you left the candle on.
I don’t want to give this power. If I turn back around that’s giving it power. If I turn back around I’m just wasting time. …..if I turn back around I might be stopping a raging fire.
An image of a bath and body works candle burning in my bathroom floats through my mind.
I get off an exit earlier and reroute myself home. I’m turning back around to check. I’m turning back around to stop a raging fire. I’m turning back around. There is a sense of relief, but I don’t think it’s relief. Something else. Something akin to the feeling a dog gets when following a command.
I pull up into my apartment complex. Forgoing a parking spot and stopping right in front of my building. Ensuring I’ve left space for others to pass, I make my way on up. When I arrived there was no commotion, no firetrucks, but I need to see it for myself. I need to check. I don’t smell smoke as I turn my key. I kick off my shoes and rush to the bathroom. It’s dark. Like a small part of me knew it would be.
I do not feel relief in this moment, I feel upset. I am upset. No real time to process because I still want to make my movie and can. When I hop back in my car I’m still upset. The compulsion to check for a burning candle in my bathroom has been fulfilled. A few tears fall, because “why the fuck did I need to do that?”.
It started with checking. In ways I could explain away as “being careful”. Being safe. Checking the stove, just to be safe. Locking my door, and jiggling it a few times, just to be safe. Locking my car doors multiple times, just to be safe. It’s just me being safe, there’s nothing really going on here…..right? It started with checking, then the intrusive thoughts came.
Looking back intrusive thoughts weren’t new to me. I remember being younger (middle school/high school ish age) and having to get a monthly shot for my allergies. I started experiencing negative unsettling intrusive thoughts. Thoughts that I attributed to the allergy medication. I urged my mother to take me off of them and she did. It’s unlikely that the medication exasperated my intrusive thoughts, but maybe….? Intrusive thoughts feel….well…..are….uncontrollable. For me this can lead to paranoia and lack of trust in my own thoughts.
What do I know to be real? Why am I obsessing over this? What if the reason they haven’t responded is cause something happened to them? What if they’re in the hospital and no one has thought to contact me? What did they mean when they said that? *intense worry*
*Worry intensifies*
So how do I deal with all of this? How do I actively fight against obsessing over shit I can’t control?
I challenge these thoughts. I think about what I know and try to leave it at that. I vocally express these thoughts. Thoughts that are undoubtedly intrusive are moved to the side for thoughts that concern my actual life. Journaling also helps! Whenever I get to journaling I fill those pages up. Writing whatever comes to mind. Sometimes my hand cramps cause the thoughts are just goin’. But they’re getting out.
Pole dancing is another way I hush obsessive thoughts. Helps with compulsions as well. I was doing a back hook spin and as I fell into it, I asked myself, “Do I trust myself?”. Answered, “yes”, and hit that hoe. Restoring the trust in myself that OCD tends to strip away. Reconnecting with my body, playing with shapes and flows, playing with my sensuality; pole is fun as fuck.
As much as I would like to ignore my OCD (like the deer in my featured post) I can’t. It’s there. It’s loud. Ignoring it doesn’t help. Acknowledging my OCD and calming the anxiety helps. Working through the thoughts and compulsions helps. It’s hard, but it its not impossible.
Played around with some creative writing in the beginning and just ran into my overall experience and how I cope.💕 The weather is dampening my mood a bit as well. I’m not a fan of cold weather, and the “back to school” season brings up some harsh reminders of my time in academia as a student. Eh, it is what it is.
I saw Resident Evil (2026) last night! I would love to see it again. On my drive home I was giddy as my love for body horror showed itself. Spent the night watching breakdowns and screaming “YES” for thoughts I agreed with. It’s a shame the director doesn’t want to attempt another video game adaptation. He mentioned the pressure to please fans was intense. I think he hit it out the park. It wasn’t littered with easter eggs, but still held true to video game mechanics. Yeaaahh, I might have to see if I can catch another showing this week.
Thank you for being here with me and thank you for reading. I’ll see yah on the next post.💕
Thoughts?