Chelsea Smile

Every time I burst into tears you think I would expect it by now. Like I would just miraculously know what’s going on but instead a surge of emotion engulfs me and I’m swept away on this fucking current. Wave after wave of tears flowing down my fucking face. At least this time I was in my car, already pulled into a parking spot.

Then I screamed. Because I needed to. It was a bitch scream at that, but a scream.

I’ve been suppressing these emotions. Gripping the corners of my mouth and shaping my face into a huge cartoonish smile so nobody can tell I hurt.

I’m tired of that. Quite tired. Dealing with death in the family is hard. Having this thought in my mind that I have to get up and continue on like life is normal and everything is fine is ridiculous.

I don’t feel like doing shit and I don’t feel like putting on for anyone.

These last few weeks of 2020 have been shit, complete shit. I really fucking appreciate those who have been there for me. Seriously.

I need time that I feel like I don’t have. That’s normal for me.

This post is really just to say fuck it, I’m tired.

I’m going to keep up my blog, just didn’t feel right to gloss over how I’m feeling.

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