Lingerie Slayer

(sang in the tone of “Baltimore and mmmmmmeeeeeee”straight from Hairspray)

This one has been a long time coming.

I stopped drinking alcohol 3 years ago. Haven’t had a drop since. Wasn’t easy. Didn’t think I would ever stop drinking. But here we are. This is where we are and I’m going to tell you how we got here.

AUTHOR NOTE: This right here is going to be my TRIGGER WARNING. We are talking about addiction folks. You may find some humor along the way. Laughter is the best medicine and this shit is heavy. It’s okay to let out a giggle here and there. I’m just happy you want to read it😊 Take care of yourself as you need to, tap out if you need to. I won’t feel no type of way💕

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I was drinking well before undergrad. Not as heavy, mostly social drinking with friends. Then in undergrad, on a dry campus at that , I found myself drinking damn near every weekend.

To be completely honest I don’t know how to write this. Much comes up for me when I think about my relationship with alcohol. I think about all of the dumb shit I did. I think about the medical issues I’ve developed. I think about what I may have looked like to others. It takes me back to each time I was confronted about it…..

The first time, was a cold day in October. I was talking to a friend from back home. She mentioned that I started drinking more after a recent break-up and I just shrugged it off. She wasn’t around me 24/7, how would she know? That was the first time someone approached me about my drinking.

The second time, was in my off campus residence, in my bedroom. I remember waking up with two friends looking at me seriously. We had been hanging out the night before, one of them was my roommate, the other stayed over. They didn’t yell at me, they didn’t accuse me of anything. They approached the situation the best way they could/knew how. I was not receptive at all. Not one bit. I was upset and embarrassed, completely ignored them, didn’t want to hear it. I had drunkenly fell asleep with a candle on near a curtain. Luckily one of them blew it out.

The third time, I was in a doctors office. I was complaining about stomach pain and throwing up bile. Which came from replacing meals with alcohol. Or only eating to consume alcohol. My doctor told me to ease up on my drinking. She mentioned meetings and therapy. I crumpled up the paper of resources and threw it in the trash.

Plenty of asshole moves on my part when it came to people trying to help me. I wasn’t listening to anyone. I wasn’t listening to myself. I surely wasn’t listening to my body. Because baby, the stomach issues are what really stopped the show. I mentioned throwing up bile. Stomach bile. I was tearing my stomach up. I now have *gastritis.

When I was first diagnosed I was given some medicine to manage. It CERTAINLY was an adjustment as far as diet was concerned. Bland foods. Watered down juices. A halt on drinking. No spicy foods. Had to find ways of getting nutrition that wouldn’t upset my stomach. Annoying.

My gastritis diagnoses was the first time I tried to stop. Now, I’m a sorority girl. I was taught that my letters are sacred and one should never smoke or drink in them. I had so much faith in this one rule that I used it to my advantage. I wore letters a good amount of the time for an excuse not to drink. Because left to my own vices? It was entirely a bad jawn.

For some time I was able to “take a break” or not “drink as much”. It wasn’t until another depressive episode that I sought out alcohol to ease my emotional pain. It felt so damn good to lock myself away in my room and just drink. Just drink myself silly. That was my main coping mechanism at the time. Of course it felt amazing! Everything was amazing with booze.

I didn’t think I had much of a problem. I thought I was drinking the same amount as everyone else. I thought I was just being a regular degular college kid in my early twenties. Nope. Going out with friends, and seeing how they consume alcohol? Yeah, I had a problem. Watching them drink amongst company and forfeit doing it alone. Watching them have one or two drinks and call it a day was a real ✨aha moment✨. Watching them decide against drinking if they were going to be the only person drinking.

Social drinking. Yes, I drank at parties, kickbacks, dinners, brunch, lunch. I also drank alone. I was drinking entire 1.5 liter bottles by myself in one night. That was a personal bottle to me.

Today marks 3 years, 3 months, and 28 days without alcohol. If I could do a cartwheel I would. (This is the current time stamp as of 12/29/23!)

I didn’t think giving up alcohol was possible. The time I’ve spent away from booze has allowed me to do A TON of self-reflection. All I got was a stern talking to when someone should have beat my ass. And I’m not just saying that. Looking back? I would have beat my own ass.

I was drowning my emotions with alcohol. I was drowning my trauma with alcohol. I learned the hard way that alcohol is a depressant.

Now let’s talk present day!

I’m able to be around folks who are drinking. It doesn’t bother me. The smell of alcohol can be a bit nauseating at times. But! I’m able to be in company.

Going to bars or restaurants makes me a bit anxious at times. I want to be in company, I want to enjoy my friends. So I go out with them. I have this little ✨fear✨ that my regular order of cranberry juice or a virgin drink will get *mixed up with some alcohol.

I bought a bottle of wine for a housewarming present to a friend. I was able to get in and get out of the store. Until that moment I hadn’t set foot in a liquor store in some time. This might have been around the second year of me quitting? Yeah, let’s put it there

I confront my emotions and find other ways to cope. Some emotions are uncomfortable. Some days aren’t that great. Sometimes I have anxiety. Sometimes I’m completely over it. I’ve found solace in building legos. Coloring. Crocheting. Typing. Anything that involves me getting out of my head.

Sometimes I do get triggered. Sometimes I do want to drink. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I just started drinking again. But alcohol would literally make me sick. My stomach can’t handle it anymore. Usually those thoughts subside once I think about the way it made me feel physically. I think about all the doctor visits, dehydration, alcohol poisoning, throwing up stomach bile. That’s the reality and I’d rather not go back to that.

How do other people react to me not drinking?

I’ve received more support than assholes. But the assholes are still there. A function I went to over the holidays some dude really wanted to press me for my reason for not drinking. “Oh whenever someone says that there’s a story! Gawrsh! ah-yuck, yuck yuck!”. (yeah those are goofy sounds cause the ***** sounded goofy) I waved them off and went about my evening, still left a bad taste in my mouth.

My friends though! I went on a trip and one my oldest friends made it a point to bring cute fizzy sparkly drinks that didn’t contain alcohol. Specifically for me. Just thinking about it makes me emotional because that was so thoughtful. I told her how much that meant me. It was something so simple but she made sure I wouldn’t be left out of the fun. I love her so much.

I will report that a good majority of the time, a “no, thank you” will suffice if offered.

Tips for those who want to ease up on drinking or stop completely

First, what is your relationship with alcohol? Be honest with yourself. This might be hard. Whip out a journal, the notes app, anything of the sort to document how alcohol makes you feel. Keep track of how much you’re drinking along with it.

I use the I Am Sober app to track my progress. I think tracking progress is important. This app automatically does that for you. You also gain access to community! Individuals who can relate to what you’re going through. Doing a quick look through the App Store and I’ve noticed quite a few sobriety trackers. There’s no harm in checking them out. Might find one that is solid for you.

Support. You’re going to need support. You’re going to need someone to talk to. That’s okay, there are people who can help. There are people who want to help. Reach out to friends and let them know what’s going on. For me, I’ve had friends reach out and I was able to give them some tips for social situations. You’re not alone in this. There are people who want to help you if you want the help.

Check out therapy! Group therapy. 1-on-1 therapy. Therapy can be quite helpful at times. It also might help to talk to someone who doesn’t know you. Know you like a friend, family member, co-worker, etc.. I’m a big believer in therapy, I believe talking helps. It’s talking and also being given resources such as new coping mechanisms.

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I may find a better way to do this, but for now, look out for the asterisks (*). They’ll be explaining specifics in posts.

Gastritis: uuuhhhmmm, it sucks. I LOVE spicy food. I’ve been able to keep it at bay with meds and changing my diet. The list of things to avoid includes spicy food, acidic food, and other fun things.

Cranberry juice getting mixed up with alcohol: it happened to my line sister ONE time and ever since then I been on the lookout.

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Oweee that took quite some time to write. About 2 months. I would write, feel the emotions, leave it, come back after I calmed down and repeat. A ✨delicate✨ piece. A vulnerable piece. I’ve been wanting to share this for a while, but wasn’t sure how. I’m moved that you would want to read my writing, especially something so personal. I take addiction seriously because it’s a tough subject to talk about, it’s hard to stop, and most people may feel embarrassed to talk about it because of stigma.

If you’re dealing with addiction right now? I know it feels really good where you’re at. You feel safe. You feel good when you indulge, but you also feel out of control. Sometimes your body rejects what you crave so badly and that isn’t enough to make you stop. When you’re ready to be done, it’s not going to be easy but you’ll get through it. You might not be ready now. It might take you a few tries. Relapse happens and it’s not something to beat yourself up about. You just gotta wake up and choose yourself and not the addiction. Even to me that sounds very “treatment-esque” to say, but thats some real shit. When you’re ready to be done, you’ll be done.

Thank you so much for reading! Thank you for being here with me, I truly appreciate it😊💕. I don’t have many resources to share at the moment. I will plug Therapy For Black Girls because I think they’re pretty good as far as listings goes. As well as the SAMHSA (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration). They have a national hotline and a link below that can help you find treatment.

Thank you once again for being here and reading through! Because damnit, this one! Wow! The good ones always take a minute, don’t they? But yes, thank you, thank you! It’s always pleasure when you spend some chill time with me.

If you’re someone who is familiar with resources for substance abuse, feel free to leave them in the comments! Hopefully they reach someone in need. Until next time, see yah slayers 💕

(Ya’ll are slayers now. I was just writing and it hit the page. We’re gonna run with it. Okie bye✨🤸🏾‍♀️✨)