Tag: Mental Health

On to 2023

Ending the year on a good note. Cheers to 2023!!!

“Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?”

Why did I log in to write a post about mental health and see this lil prompt at the top. I’m sure I’m not special and anyone who writes on this platform probably saw it. Makes sense seeing as how we’re ending the year in a few days.

Instead of a sad post, this post may be a lil ✨uplifting✨

I’m ending the year a grad student. So many other things happened, right? But this, this right here. A wild concept to me. I put my all into those entrance exams and I was anxious the entire way. I was anxious from start to finish. That admissions letter felt so good.

I’m an educator.

I’m a blogger.

I’m a content creator.

Yes, I had some doubts about my age and time. But I’m going to keep getting older and time is going to keep moving. I made peace with getting older. There are societal pressures that tell you how you should look, where you should be in life, when you age out of certain hobbies. In the grand scheme of things that is complete bullshit. You grow. You learn. You have new experiences.

It’s never too late. It’s never too late to pursue that job or that degree. Know that.

Concerning my education, I haven’t wanted something that bad in a minute. After 29 years of walking this earth I now realize that education is a privilege. The education I’ve had the opportunity to receive is a privilege.

I study sexuality and everything that comes with it because it’s such an important part of our lives. It’s integral to who we are as human beings. I love the research that I’m doing and I love the classes that I’m taking. I got accepted in August and I ended my first semester in November. I made school a priority and I was able to adapt to a new schedule with ease.

It wasn’t this easy overnight transition. The body keeps the score (remind me to finish that book) so I missed my period for an entire month. I thought there was something wrong physically. In a sense there was. My body was holding onto trauma from past experiences of being on a college campus. It was an annoying mental block at the time. I wasn’t depressed, but I sure was anxious. Imposter syndrome was creeping up on me. I was questioning my intelligence.

I wasn’t the only one. Several peers discussed their anxieties. Their hopes. Their fears. Our humanity.

I’m so happy that I was able to share space with so many different personalities and view points. Some conversations we’ve had I will always remember.

With that being said, I’m truly looking forward to next semester. Excited to see what books I’ll be reading. I’m currently in bed with a sinus infection turned ear infection 🙂. That halted most of my plans because I feel like crap. I haven’t taken a sick day in quite some time, funny it would come the end of the year.

So I’m in bed minding my business and playing the sims.

Hopefully by time you read this, I’m not feeling like a zombie. I haven’t been able to do much of anything. It stressed me out at first, but if I need rest, I need rest.

I’m excited to see what 2023 has to offer. 2022 was great and it can only get better. Thank you for reading, and I’ll see you next year!!✨💕✨

Skin Care is Self-Care

Let me preface all of this by saying that I am no esthetician. I’m no beauty guru or anything like that. I don’t have sensitive skin, but some things have caused me to have an allergic reaction. Those products won’t be in this post of course. Also! What works for my skin may not work for yours. We all have different skin types. Figuring out your skin type and what your skin needs is key to building a skin care routine.

The items are listed in order that I usually apply them. Items with ✨✨ are my personal holy grail items, items that I absolutely LOVE. I’ve linked whatever I can. Enjoy. 🥰

TOTAL CLEANS’R

When I first used this I didn’t think it was going to be good for my skin. It smells too good. It’s a cleanser, it does the job. My face feels refreshed after using it, and not completely dried out. This product is made to be refillable. There is also an option for fragrance free.

FAT WATER

What is toner supposed to do? I’m not exactly sure. A quick google search tells me it preps the skin for moisture. I guess it’s supposed to freshen up the skin after you’ve done your cleansing routine.

This particular toner does just that. I also feel that it doesn’t wipe my face of natural oils like some other toners do. You know the ones. You apply it and your face feels ✨squeaky✨ clean and dry? Fat water leaves your face feeling clean and not dried out.

Flash Nap

I tried this on a whim because I have “under eye problems”. I use quotations because it’s only a problem concerning what forms of beauty are acceptable. Not going to dive much into that. When I first applied the product I felt a tightening feeling under my eye. I’m going to say that means it works. I still use it. No itching or burning to report. This I can feel working so if you’re someone who is concerned about that I would look into it. I don’t use it often, but it has been lasting a while. You don’t need to apply much, so you’ll get several uses out of this one.

✨PRO KISS’R✨

For me? Oh this is a Holy Grail product. I love that I can just put this onto my lips like lipstick opposed to digging scrub out from a container. Although! I find myself scraping off the top part after I’ve used it because I don’t want to leave those dead skin cells just sitting there. I apply it, rub it all over my lips with my finger, and then wipe it off. My lips feel amazing every time. Soft and supple.

Porcelain Doll

I don’t try too many serums, but I’m open to exploring more. I got this one from the Naked Peach. It’s supposed to seal and lock in moisture. During this cold weather that’s exactly what I need. While using it I haven’t noticed THAT much of a difference, but it’s something I would use again.

✨Healing Ointment✨

If you have any kind of facial scarring, try this out. Nezuko plays too much. She has bitten me in the face on several occasions. I believe these to be love bites. Either way, my nose and chin have been subject to her abuse. I did some quick googles on products for scarring and this one came up. It WORKS WONDERS. It’s a thick product and you don’t have to apply much to the affected area. I love product that not only works! But works for a LONG time.

*Nezuko recently scratched me in my face. I WISH I had taken a before/after photo. The scarring was under my left eye, and it happened Friday. I’m typing this up a good 4 days later and it’s gone. This WORKS.

Moisturizer

Hydra Vizor Invisible Moisturizer

Moisturizer for the day! It smells amazing, you only need about two pumps, and it has SPF. Now being someone who has melanin, I understand the struggle of the white cast. You buy a moisturizer with SPF, put it on your face, and all of a sudden you’re casper. This product also leaves a white cast, BUT it’s not as prominent and once you rub it all in it fades away. This product is also made to be refillable.

Instant Reset Overnight Gel

I love this overnight cream because it isn’t heavy on my skin. I don’t like putting on creams that feel like I’m putting an entire face mask on. You don’t need apply much so this is another product that’ll go along way. It’s also made to be refillable.

Face Mask

Charcoal Mask

I love a good mask. I got caught up in the fad of skintight masks that you pull off your skin. I quickly learned that wasn’t for me. THIS masks clears your pores and leaves your face feeling moisturized.

Charcoal Honey Mask

I read something about honey, and bought into the fad. I don’t use this one as much as the pore clearing mask, but I’ll pull it out when I want to be fancy. Doesn’t dry out the skin. Feels good, hasn’t caused an allergic reaction, it’s something nice to have in rotation.

Aaannnd this is my skin! I love being outside and soaking up the sun. I used to wear makeup all the time. Pretty much every day, and at some point it no longer became fun. I found myself feeling like I needed makeup to show up in certain spaces. It was tiring. For self-care, I started doing a skin routine. It’s time that I take out for myself, and feel quite relaxed when it’s over. Sometimes I do skip it because I just don’t feel like doing it. That’s okay. I pick back up here and there when I’m ready.

I also use body scrubs, and lotion. The skin is the largest organ of your body. I’ve found that taking care of the skin on my body allows me to reconnect with myself. It’s a big pampering self-love party.

Not pictured are sheet face masks. I’m a fan of these two brands: Neutrogena and Esfolio. Those are the two I gravitate to the most, but I’m open to others.

I’m so happy I’ve been able to get this up and out. Folks have been asking me about my skin care and now I have something to show them!

Yeah, I announced a whole new website and then didn’t post for weeks. Yup. That surely happened. I got busy with school and playing the Sims. I also needed some time to think about what kind of educator I want to be. Still thinking about it, but instead of sitting with it, I’m going to move with it.

💡Random thought: Let me know if ya’ll want a post of my lovely Ulta finds. I’m big on bubble baths and that’s where I get everything that I use. Either comment or @ me on twitter. @LingerieSlayer

Please be patient with me during this transitional period in my life. I’m figuring it out one day at a time and trying not stress myself. THANK YOU FOR READING!!! Thank you for stopping by my blog, it is always appreciated. 💞

Baby, this one is personal.

Today we’re talking body

*Yesterday was national Lingerie Day. I had completely forgotten about it. Only reason I knew was because I saw all of the social media posts. I haven’t been posting much to socials simply because I’ve been sick. Nezuko and I both got sick around the same time. She’s doing way better than me though. Running around. Eating. Doing this cute little stupid run she does. My bestie is up, I’m still down. It’s nothing too serious and I caught it in time. I’m loaded up on meds and I’ve been instructed to rest and keep my fluids up. Me resting is easier said than done because I always have something to do.

*TRIGGER WARNING: As always, take care of yourself first. There will be mentions of self-harm, sexual assault, and disordered eating.*

When Monday came around I did think about making a post. Had it up and I kept rewriting the caption. That’s when I just said, “fuck it, let’s take it to the blog.”

I have plenty of lingerie photos. Some old, some new. I settled on a picture from the boudoir shoot I did recently. Said picture is the featured image. And as I’m looking at the picture, I get to thinking. Thinking about the way I feel about my body. Thinking about the way my body is perceived. Thinking about the comments people have made about my body. Thinking about what it’s like to be on the internet with this body. Thinking about the first time I was sexually assaulted. Thinking about the relationship I have with food and how it has effected my body.

Chile. THOUGHTS.

I don’t even know where to start, but I have somewhat of an idea.

I touched on this some in my latest *Youtube Video. I don’t weigh myself, and I don’t keep a scale in my house. I was in PR when I weighed myself, by myself, for the first time in years. My friend booked us a horseback riding tour, and you had to put your weight along with other vital information down. I wanted to be correct about all the information I was putting down. Didn’t know my weight, but there was a scale in one of the bedrooms to help me out. I was already feeling anxious about it as I walked back to the room. I pull the scale out, cute little modern jawn. I hop on and it says 208 lbs. Now like I said, I don’t weigh myself. I have a history of disordered eating. Numbers and calories can trigger a few things for me.

So here I am, in Puerto Rico, looking down at this number between my feet. I told myself, “You can either have the time of your life or let this eat you alive.” I chose the first option. I left that room and still had the number ringing in my head, but it was just a number. I was out there living my best life. Titties out in the pool. Titties out at the beach. Horseback riding and seeing a beautiful sunset. Staying in beautiful places and enjoying the overall experience. I had a few photos I had to get off, and I tried my hardest to practice mindfulness. I had such a great time. I had great experiences with great people. Overall it was a good jawn.

So that’s the long story as to why I had to weigh myself. Now how do I feel in this present moment?

Honestly? I’ve never been happier. This is the happiest that I’ve ever been. The happiest I can remember being. I don’t want to be sad anymore. Now don’t get me wrong, some shit is indeed just that, sad. But I don’t want to wallow in sadness anymore. I used to think it was unfortunate that my life even got this far. I had so many negative thoughts about myself. I never imagined that I would hurt myself in ways that I did. The love I have for myself HAS to be this intense because the hate was disgusting.

This type of self-love didn’t come over night. I had to use affirmations HEAVILY. I had to question my own way of thinking. I had to verbally dismiss any negative thoughts. I had to let go of societal pressures. I had to make peace with myself. I’m still working on me. I’m still learning new things about myself. I’m still unpacking trauma here and there. I have a therapist and a psychologist. I take antidepressants. Putting that out there because do my meds help me? Yes. I don’t know how I feel about advocating for medication, I’m just speaking to what has helped me. I now have a solid routine that helps me out.

Being active and moving around also helped the way I feel about my body. Tremendously. I used to think about all of the things I couldn’t do on the pole. That made me so fucking anxious. Now I’m thinking, “well how do I get there?”. How do I get to looking like Mercedes from P-Valley? Practice, practice, practice. I wanted to get stronger, so I started putting in some work at the gym. I’m enamored with what my body can do. My only issue is relaxing on an injury and properly taking care of said injury. 😅 I got some kneepads last year and they fit now. So I have cushion with floor work. Very VERY excited about that aspect.

Being in the gym also helps with mindfulness. Being in the moment and focusing at the task at hand. I haven’t been in the gym for a minute though. I was contagious and didn’t care to put that on anybody else. Stretching and light pole work is being done in the meantime. I’m actually surprised that it bothered me being away from the gym like this. Because I was really into taking that time out of the day for myself, solid no distractions. I’ll be back at it soon though. Get myself some new workout gear while I’m at it.

(Now this is going to be a quick transition. We’re flipping gears here. To ME it feels like it’s coming out of left field. So you may be like “well what the fuck?” So plopping in another trigger warning.)

The first time I was assaulted I felt like it was my fault. It was my fault because of what I wore and what my body looked like. That ain’t true. It wasn’t true then and it isn’t true now. I remember wearing sweatpants and nothing but afterwards. I didn’t want to wear anything revealing, tight, whatever. Anything that was “showing” off my body was a no. Before then I was already being hyper-sexualized. Mind you before all this, I was dealing with an eating disorder. Started in middle school. Grew legs and started walking and talking on its own come high school.

I didn’t feel good at that period in my life. I was so sad. I was depressed. So much bullshit was going on and I processed that shit the best I could. The very fucking best I could. I would have so much to tell my younger self.

“Believe in yourself.”

“You’re going to figure this shit out.”

“Being a people pleaser ain’t it, put yourself first.”

“Focus on what you have instead of what you don’t.”

“This shit ain’t that deep.”

“You need to find a better way to get the emotions out. Find a better outlet.”

“You are not responsible for the way your body makes others feel.”

Words that I’m sure I really needed back then.

I was talking to my therapist about all of this of course. I mentioned that it feels like self-transformation. Surely started during the beginning of the pandemic and it kept going. I started with my hair. Then I had to stop drinking. Then I had to get serious about my mental health. It’s one thing to go to therapy, and another to actually use what you learn in therapy. Then I had to mentally and psychically work through trauma. Then I had to get comfortable with what I was seeing in the mirror. Real hot girl shit.

I remember my therapist asking me about comments folks made about my body on the internet. I’ve been on the internet for years. I’m talking about dial up days. The way in which I interact with the internet has surely shifted. Such as posting full body pictures in bikinis and lingerie. The internet is a wild ass place, and you do need a strong sense of self when you’re on it. I told my therapist I didn’t care, and I don’t. Yes, I make sure my angles are good. Yes, I prep and prepare the look to serve it. But I can’t worry about what someone on the internet thinks about what I look like.

If I cared about these words on the internet? A mess. The way diet pills, waist trainers, instant fat slimmers and the like are being shoved down the throats of young Women is disgusting. I remember when European skinny was the standard. It’s still the standard with some Black aesthetics thrown in there for ✨razzle dazzle✨. I do want to say, there is nothing wrong with wanting to look HOWEVER you want. It becomes a problem when there is only one standard and everyone else is othered.

I don’t buy into that market. I already did once. I took dietary supplements when I was too young. I tried to cover my stretch marks with bronzer. You see how hard I tried to fix or hide parts of myself? The thing about lingerie is that I can’t hide. I’ve pondered this every now and then. Particularly because of my self-harm scars. I was quite insecure about them for some time. Time is what I needed to process what I had done to myself and what I was left with. I’m not ashamed of them anymore. It is what it is. I even dabble in some dark humor when it comes to my mental health. Got a dark TikTok that’ll never see that light of day. Made me giggle.

Like I was saying, with lingerie I can’t hide. There’s nothing to hide if I must be completely honest. I don’t need any validation from the outside world. I can fully say, at the age of 28, I have a strong sense of self. I’m leaning into what I truly enjoy. I’m cultivating solid relationships in my life. I’m finding so much time to read. I’m excited for what is to come. I’m happy to be alive and that’s all I ever wanted.

*I started writing this jawn April 25th.

*Youtube: Chile, look. I’m still figuring it out. I was in the middle of filming a lingerie review, right? But then I was all in my head about being overtly sexualized on the internet so I chalked it. I wasn’t happy recording and I want to be happy when I’m filming and sharing things with you guys. That just wasn’t it. So yeah, I’ll figure it out at some point.

I’ve also been thinking about the kind of content I want to see from myself. I am overwhelmed with ideas, and have a hard time scheduling them. Some are quick one and done. Others require a meticulous hand. I’m so quick to say I can pull something off in one night. That needs to end soon. I need to love the process.

So I took some time with this one. A few days. As I write this, I’m still not sure when you’re gonna get it. I’m going to go through and edit.

As I sit here, it’s a Monday. I took Nezuko to the vet. Came home and made myself breakfast. Handled some housekeeping for EXACTLY two hours. (My kink is being on time. Honestly, truly. Chef’s Kiss.) Got everything done. Then I had plenty of time to deal with some personal projects. The day isn’t over, and I’m thankful for the time that I do have. I’m sitting cross-legged in bed and Nezuko is sleeping by my right thigh. I appreciate her company.

Thank you for reading!! You are always appreciated. I have some drafts I need to stop sitting on. This month I’m working on some house projects. Little things here and there. Regular upkeep. Adding more space, and throwing some things out. I’ve been dying for a hot day to open all my windows and do some real spring cleaning. I’m doing what I can here and there and that’s good enough.

I love my blog. I love being able to freely write about my life. I love YOU for reading through, AND reading my little tidbits at the end. Thorough. I like that in you. Having this blog has allowed me to create my own space on the internet. I’ve started blogs before, but never really kept up with them. This one? It feels like I’m chatting amongst friends. It feels warm. It feels valid.

The blog itself is changing. We’re both going to trust the process on this one, okay? Thank you once again and I’ll see you soon. 💕

Mania.

So. This post will have a trigger warning. If you proceed to read through, thank you. If not, thank you for taking care of yourself. I understand. Also there may be some Euphoria spoilers.

Valentines Day was yesterday. I spent some time in bed with Nezuko, and then hung out with one of my best friends. Fun conversation, laughs, oui’d, and a really good movie on Netflix. Love and Leashes. My friend picked it, and I’m glad she did. It’s a cute movie and does a great job at introducing BDSM dynamics. I highly recommend it.

Anywho.

After my friend went home, I proceeded to get in some me time. Cleaned this apartment, cleaned up after Nezuko, rolled a blunt, and watched Jujutsu Kaisen from the bathtub. Took a nice steamy hot bath. Even threw a bath bomb in that bitch. Once I got out, I started to do my skin care. I had my aloe vera, straight from PR, out, rinsed, and ready to go.

I cut off a piece, and went to moisturize myself in the bathroom. As I was slathering some aloe on my left leg, I realized. I love myself.

It wasn’t a realization that I really put together until today. I had therapy.

Now here is where we are gonna get into the nitty gritty.

Folks are watching Euphoria right now, I’m sure. I see ya’ll tweets. These last two episodes have been sad as hell. Ep. 6, in particular. We’re instantly thrown into Rue’s home and she’s going through withdrawal. Had this not been mentioned, I would have thought she was having a manic episode. I’m sure you could still call what she had….a manic episode.

She’s yelling, screaming, and letting every harsh emotion come out. Verbally, emotionally, and physically. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see myself being played out on the screen before me.

“You hate me!?!? Well so do I!!”

I despised myself. I hurt myself. I hurt those around me. I was the worst part of myself I had ever seen. I was embarrassing. I felt embarrassed of my behavior. People I loved were afraid of me. I was manic.

Mania for me is heart racing, words spewing from my mouth, long text messages being sent, intense surges of emotion. Anger. Hate. Sadness. Stress. I would say it was some monster. But no. It was me. That was me.

I didn’t know how to help myself. In those moments, I surely wanted to die. I didn’t want to exist. I felt like an absolute burden. I didn’t know how to communicate my needs because I didn’t even know what I needed. The come down isn’t the worst, and it ain’t the best. Once my mind started to slow down, I felt horrible. There was always a “lets asses the damage” kind of moment after it all. What did I break? Am I hurt? Who do I need to apologize to?

The clean up? Embarrassing. Just embarrassing, nothing else to say really.

The meds I had at the time weren’t doing shit. Fillers in an anime if you will. Just. There. And that would be a fucking loop right, someone asking me if I was “taking my meds?”. Girl, I did, and look at where we are.

Things had to change, the way I felt about myself had to change, and I had some healing to do. Change is scary, but sometimes badly needed. My psychiatrist at the time seemed to have a hard time refiling my medication. So I found a new psychiatrist. Found a new therapist as well. Both are Black Women. I’m Black, I wanted my mental health professionals to be Black.

Changed up my medication because what I had surely was just filling space. I was scared to make that change. Anti-depressants aren’t my favorite thing in the world. That adjustment period can be some shit. Questioning yourself and the medication. Holding on just long enough to see it all pay off. Eventually I did see a pay off.

Now I’m bringing you into the present.

I have great friendships. I have a cat, named Nezuko, that really helps with my anxiety. She is so affectionate and follows me everywhere. I don’t know what I did to deserve her, but I’m so happy. I’m out here smiling more. At some point I remember looking at photos and not seeing many smiles. I changed that.

Took a trip with some friends this year and tried to let some fears die down. I’m still in my head about my content. I always am. Something just hasn’t clicked the way I need it to in that sector of my brain just yet.

I stopped drinking. Haven’t had a sip of alcohol in one year and five months. That in itself was a journey. That in itself deserves its own space to flourish.

I’ve been indulging in myself. Loving on myself. Spoiling myself. To the point where I say this self-love is getting violent. I finally have the space to DO THE WORK. I spend tons of time in self-retrospection. I spent some solid time thinking about my gender the other day. It was so cool because I’ve never analyzed my gender the way I have my sexuality. Not that that needed much analyzing.

But this gender thing? Wild. Crazy. What did I figure out?

I’M STILL WORKING IT OUT😃

Fun shit. Some real fun shit.

All around I’m having a great time. Enjoying new experiences and taking some journeys.

Thank you for reading!!!! 💕✨💕

I enjoyed writing this one. I’m an advocate for self-love and taking care of your mental health. I’m an advocate for people just being themselves.

Hope you liked this one, hope you had a great V-Day.

Time has been getting away from me so I’ll be cleaning house for about two days. 😅.

Once again, thank you for reading. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being you. See yah next time!!

✨Mental Health Awareness Month✨

I’ve been quite busy these past few weeks. I’ve started creative content full-time again and planning out new life goals. Feels like the perfect month to have done so. If you didn’t know May is Mental Health Awareness month. Depression is something that I’ve dealt with for most of my life. With some anxiety thrown in there every now and then. I’ve had to make SEVERAL changes to improve my mental health. Life looks different for all of us, it’s just how we live it. I’m here to share some things that have assisted me. Hopefully you find some peace within these words.

In no particular order these are some simple things I’ve done to improve my mental health. Some of these things are still a work in progress, and THAT’S OKAY.

Found myself a solid therapist. I found my therapist through therapyforblackgirls.com. It was important for me to find a Black woman as a therapist. She’s a good person, I look forward to her feedback each time that we meet. She’s introduced me to resources, further assistance with coping mechanisms, and gives me the space to discuss what I need to.

Started a consistent workout challenge. I was supposed to start a challenge with my girlfriend at the beginning of the month. That first week? I feel as though I flopped. I realized that I needed to make things fun and tailored to what I was looking to improve about my body. So I put together the KANROJI CHALLENGE. I used the workouts from SuperHeroJacked.com as a base and then tailored it to my needs. I had been checking out this website for a while, and had been meaning to pick a character with a workout plan to follow. I was SO EXCITED to see that they finally added Mitsuri Kanroji. It’s her flexibility and strength that I admire. Perfect for pole dancing. Ever since I put that workout together I’ve been exercising 5 times a week with 1 day for an hour of yoga.

Pole Dancing. I love playing music. I love listening to music. Pole dancing takes my mind out of anything stressing me. I get to vibe out to the music and move my body. I do get caught up in not being able to achieve some moves sometimes. I do get caught up in the fact that I’m not as flexible as I want to be. But I know it can all be achieved. That’s the thing about pole dancing or anything really. You don’t see how good you’re already getting if you’re focused on what you can’t do. I’ve learned to revel in my mistakes and the moves that I hit. Both are learning experiences.

Spending time with friends and being real with them. With Covid all my people took precautions. When the pandemic hit I wasn’t seeing anyone and I’ve really been slowly having friends over and hanging out. I enjoy all of my friendships. I enjoy getting to know people. I enjoy seeing my friends succeed. I love being able to help them out if I can. I’ve been working on getting real loose with the “I love you”‘s. I want my friends to know that I’m there for them and that I appreciate them. I enjoy being around them and I’ve really missed it.

Getting a new schedule. A new schedule for work, balancing out personal and social time. That shit feels hard sometimes. But organization feels even better. I got a new planner, whiteboard, notebooks, and some other supplies for the office. I do well with writing things down and having reminders.

Setting goals. Doesn’t matter how big or small, goals are always needed. I set the goal to stop drinking and I did. I say that because sometimes we don’t think our goals are accomplishable.

Letting the creativity fly. Don’t overthink it. Just do it. Whether it be for you or social media. Take that photo. Shoot that video. Do your makeup. Get dressed up in cosplay. Do whatever makes you feel free. I’ve been putting my new camera to use on the daily. Planned projects and others I may shoot for the hell of it.

BLASTING MUSIC. Simple, no need for explanation. I’m a huge fan of Fall Out Boy, classical music, rap, whatever. If I can vibe to it, I’m playing it. I’ve been blasting anime openers out of my car like nobody’s business. Cause it really aint anybody’s business. Them jawns hit and I deserve to fly down the highway blasting Kaikai Kitan by Eve.

Thank you so much for reading my writing! With the weather getting warmer I most definitely want to be outside. It’s the pollen that’s fucking with me though. I’ve been dealing with allergies ever since I was a kid. Forgot I had em during the winter months. These frequent showers of pollen surely reminded me and have been kicking my ass.

I’m going to be honest with you. I want to switch up my blog. STILL GIVING YOU REVIEWS. I just want a focus on the words instead of always worrying about what pic I’m going to make the featured image. It’s not that deep, but it’s been nagging at me. I’m busy with fetish work so I’ll probably have some time to finesse this over the weekend. I at least want to get it SOLID. Solid so that I don’t feel the need for any layout changes and I can keep giving you content.

Yeah, I’ve really been focusing on myself these past few weeks. I LOVE all of the support everyone has given me with this blog and I can’t wait to be writing and what not regularly for you all!

All I Wanna Do Is Dance

So lately I’ve been reeling in the state of depression and anxiety.

It happened quite suddenly I must say. I just fell into myself. Stopped going on social media as much. Low feelings. Isolation. Beating myself up for stupid shit. Doing weird shit that’s very unlike me. One day I went out, got a few things, and then just came home. Got in bed and just laid there in complete silence staring out the window. That went on for a good hour or so. So plenty of asking myself “What the FUCK are you doing?”

But things have been different this time around.

I haven’t been crying. I’ve been laughing at the predicaments I find myself in. The featured image is a pair of wet ass socks from a rainy day. After lugging all this heavy shit from my car, after I basically parked in a puddle, I walked through the door of my apartment and let out a soft laugh. I hadn’t got my ass up to go buy rain boots, but I bought all this stuff for my little office.

I’ve been laying in bed, but music has been helping me get up. I also didn’t hop on my pole the very first day I set it up. It’s a GREAT brand. It was installed PROPERLY. But there was all this anxiety around it. “What if it falls?” “What if I get hurt?” It had been a few months since I had been on a pole so I was anxious. I looked up some YouTube videos for moves and got on. I’ve been taking it slow and I now have a small routine I want to practice. Pole hurts. Bruises come. I love my bruises because it shows that I was putting in work.

Before I got back on the pole I started working out again. I did a yoga routine to enhance my flexibility. It also reminded me how grounding yoga can be. An entire hour of focusing on self, breathing, and flexing stretching through these poses. It’s hard for me to get my breathing together because of my allergies. If you’ve spent enough time around me then you’ve heard the jolting noise I make with my nose that sounds like a menacing snort. Sounds like I’m some evil bitch when in reality I’m just trying to clear a bit of mucus from my nostrils. Anyway, the practice left me feeling somewhat relaxed. It helped me get back into moving my body.

Moving my body and reminding myself that I’m not some useless heap of shit is how I’m fighting this. Getting back to basic things that I enjoy is how I’m turning this around. Learning how to better take care of myself and what I need is how I’m fighting this. Also that snow wasn’t helping anything. It was cute the first few times and then it just aided in my doom and gloom. I despise being cold with my very being so that may also have something to do with it.

I’ve also been reading a few books here and there so expect a couple book reviews to pop up. I’m making the time to read and a book before bed with some tea is quite lovely. I’ve also been taking some sexy bubble baths. Hot ass water. Skincare and then getting moisturized before I put on some lingerie.

Speaking of lingerie…I want to hear more from my readers on what they want. What do you want to see? What do you want to read? Let me know how I can better help you understand the world of lingerie, find pieces that you really love, work lingerie into your daily routine and not just the bedroom, etc..

I’m thinking about more in depth reviews and some video content. If you have an idea you want to talk to me about just shoot me an email. If there’s a brand out there that you think I should check out and give some recognition? Shoot me an email to check em out.

Thank you so much for reading this and be on the lookout for some lingerie reviews dropping over the weekend. I’ve missed some dates so I know I owe you AT LEAST one good decent review. Also I’ve picked the fetish for this month. Since it is Women’s History Month I’m going to do Female Domination. Voting shall resume as normal next month. You can also send me suggestions for fetishes of the month. If there’s anything you’re curious about? Let me know and we’ll put it in the running.

If you yourself are dealing with some mental health stuff? It’s okay. If you did just one thing today, that’s okay. It’s find to take a step back and figure shit out when it’s a bit much. It’s fine for your emotions to just zap and feel like nothing. (Not really, shit sucks, but it’s okay to not be okay and indulge in some HEAVY self-care.)

Love yourself. Be easy on you. Thank you for stopping by.

Tap, Tap, Tap In

Hey bitch , how are you feeling? Like really, how are you?

Are you keeping up with therapy appointments? Are you reaching out for support if needed? Are you making sure your self-care involves a little more than a bubble bath and a face mask?

No? Oh, well then this is me telling you to slow it down and make sure YOU’RE GOOD. Tis the season for mental health to start trippin’ due to weather changes. Cold, cloudy, and dark.

I deal with depression and anxiety. The most nastiest skank bitches I’ve ever met. Do not trust them. They are both fugly sluts. They lie, they fill my head with doubt and insecurities, start bringing up horrible coping mechanisms, and do nothing for me.

Honestly I had a really bad week. Things are definitely picking up now and getting back on track, but in the moment everything was a hellstorm. So allow me to share some tips on how to get a grip on your mental.

  • Get some fucking sleep. Get off Tik Tok. Stop binging that show on Hulu or Netflix. All of that will be there tomorrow. You NEED rest. You need to close your eyes and get a solid 8 hours. Your mind and body will thank you.
  • Eat. You deserve to eat. Everyone deserves food no matter what their day was like.
  • Stop beating yourself up. YOU have to be your biggest fan. YOU have to live with you 24/7, 365. Imagine having a roommate that just bitched at your for EVERY LITTLE THING YOU DID. You wouldn’t tolerate that, so don’t tolerate it from yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be easy with yourself.
  • Please don’t harm yourself. Please don’t. Take a walk. Write in a journal. Go for a drive. Try the rubber band method (snapping a rubber band on your wrist in place of serious harm). Draw on yourself with colorful markers. GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD. Give yourself space to breathe.
  • Reach out to your support system. Friends, family, partner, therapist. There is someone willing to listen and help you. You don’t have to go through a hard time alone. Those who love you and want to see you happy will LOVE that you reached out to them.
  • Open a window, let some sun in. If you’re taking precautions during this pandemic you probably aren’t leaving your house much. It is A-OKAY to open your window and soak up some sun like a fat cat in the summer.
  • Try using a mental health app to help you stay on track with things. I’m VERY fond of BoosterBuddy. It helps you track medications, how you’re feeling, AND gives coping mechanisms. The app is free and you can customize it to fit your exact needs.
  • Get a coloring book. I have about three. It is VERY calming to sit down with a few coloring pencils, my book, and maybe some music. You have something to do with your hands and you’re focused on the task in front of you.

It’s okay to not feel okay. Your emotions are very valid no matter what you’re going through. You deserve happiness and you deserve peace. What helps you feel okay after a bad day or week? What do you need to have a BETTER mental going forward?

Be easy on yourself, love.