Personal – Lingerie Slayer

Oh Chile, it’s a whole new month

February went a little like this….

I took quite some time away. To make up for that, this will be a lingerie review + life update. School is back up and running and I’ve been spending time with friends here and there to keep my sanity. February was a really good month and I have nothing but high hopes for March!

In Feb a friend of mine hosted a Gallentine’s Day. A night where the gworls get dressed up in cute lingerie, have tons of snacks, indulge in whatever we want, and celebrate each other and ourselves. I REALLY love that my friend does this, it’s a good vibe every time. This year they did a little contest. We all voted on our favorite lingerie set of the night.

Aaaanndd I won first place! Pictured below is the lingerie and my goodie bag from the night. Inside my goodie bag was a candle, an adorable heart shaped pillow, and a mug wrapped up with chocolates inside 🥰

Romantic Corded Lace Unlined Balconette Bra (36C)

Romantic Corded Lace Brazilian Panty (L)

Romantic Corded Lace Garter Skirt (L)

The red is sold out, but the entire set is available in purple. I’m slowly learning that I’m a fan of balconette bras. The cut makes me feel sexy. The lace makes everything see through. It’s not dramatic but you are getting a little peak. The skirt has two garters on the side. No four way hold up here. I was definitely pulling my stockings up throughout the night. I wore some red fishnet thigh highs. I would have worn a solid color pair of thigh highs, but those currently have holes in them. I will be honest with you, I’m not the most delicate person when it comes to stockings. I try my hardest, but sometimes (most…of the time) the stockings try harder.

The panties were a little tight. Usually whenever I get a lace cut, in anything, it’s tighter because of the lace material. Hence why I don’t have much lace underwear. I like a nice stretchy breathable fabric. This fabric is breathable, yet there is no stretch. Solid for accomplishing the look though. I would recommend this set to anyone. The skirt is fun to play around with and the entire set itself is great for teasing. I might see about that purple version.

I’m working on a new website ya’ll! It was always a personal goal of mine to create a website for sex education. Full of fun interesting content and resources. Heavy on the resources. A school project calls for me to do something like this so I decided to kick it up in high gear. For those that don’t know I’m getting my masters in Human Sexuality. My focus is sex education. I want to build a resource that can be useful for anyone. Sexuality is a MAJOR part of our lives and we should be able to talk about it.

All of my “Fetish Friday” posts will be transformed over there. I’m a little stressed out about it, but excited. I’m no HTML girlie, but I’m learning little tricks here and there.

Enjoy these photos taken during a ramen lunch date. February was full of bonding with old and new friends. Cultivating solid relationships and having hearty discussions. I think that’s worth mentioning. For March? It’s school, school, school, and reading. I’ve come across some GREAT books and all I want to do is curl up and read. But these assignments come first.

I’ve been having some bouts of anxiety, but spending some time on Pokemon violet helps. I’m currently building up all eevee evolutions because that’s the mood I’m in.

Thank you for reading like always. Hopefully it won’t be that long until you hear from me again. 💕

On to 2023

Ending the year on a good note. Cheers to 2023!!!

“Is your life today what you pictured a year ago?”

Why did I log in to write a post about mental health and see this lil prompt at the top. I’m sure I’m not special and anyone who writes on this platform probably saw it. Makes sense seeing as how we’re ending the year in a few days.

Instead of a sad post, this post may be a lil ✨uplifting✨

I’m ending the year a grad student. So many other things happened, right? But this, this right here. A wild concept to me. I put my all into those entrance exams and I was anxious the entire way. I was anxious from start to finish. That admissions letter felt so good.

I’m an educator.

I’m a blogger.

I’m a content creator.

Yes, I had some doubts about my age and time. But I’m going to keep getting older and time is going to keep moving. I made peace with getting older. There are societal pressures that tell you how you should look, where you should be in life, when you age out of certain hobbies. In the grand scheme of things that is complete bullshit. You grow. You learn. You have new experiences.

It’s never too late. It’s never too late to pursue that job or that degree. Know that.

Concerning my education, I haven’t wanted something that bad in a minute. After 29 years of walking this earth I now realize that education is a privilege. The education I’ve had the opportunity to receive is a privilege.

I study sexuality and everything that comes with it because it’s such an important part of our lives. It’s integral to who we are as human beings. I love the research that I’m doing and I love the classes that I’m taking. I got accepted in August and I ended my first semester in November. I made school a priority and I was able to adapt to a new schedule with ease.

It wasn’t this easy overnight transition. The body keeps the score (remind me to finish that book) so I missed my period for an entire month. I thought there was something wrong physically. In a sense there was. My body was holding onto trauma from past experiences of being on a college campus. It was an annoying mental block at the time. I wasn’t depressed, but I sure was anxious. Imposter syndrome was creeping up on me. I was questioning my intelligence.

I wasn’t the only one. Several peers discussed their anxieties. Their hopes. Their fears. Our humanity.

I’m so happy that I was able to share space with so many different personalities and view points. Some conversations we’ve had I will always remember.

With that being said, I’m truly looking forward to next semester. Excited to see what books I’ll be reading. I’m currently in bed with a sinus infection turned ear infection 🙂. That halted most of my plans because I feel like crap. I haven’t taken a sick day in quite some time, funny it would come the end of the year.

So I’m in bed minding my business and playing the sims.

Hopefully by time you read this, I’m not feeling like a zombie. I haven’t been able to do much of anything. It stressed me out at first, but if I need rest, I need rest.

I’m excited to see what 2023 has to offer. 2022 was great and it can only get better. Thank you for reading, and I’ll see you next year!!✨💕✨

Skin Care is Self-Care

Let me preface all of this by saying that I am no esthetician. I’m no beauty guru or anything like that. I don’t have sensitive skin, but some things have caused me to have an allergic reaction. Those products won’t be in this post of course. Also! What works for my skin may not work for yours. We all have different skin types. Figuring out your skin type and what your skin needs is key to building a skin care routine.

The items are listed in order that I usually apply them. Items with ✨✨ are my personal holy grail items, items that I absolutely LOVE. I’ve linked whatever I can. Enjoy. 🥰

TOTAL CLEANS’R

When I first used this I didn’t think it was going to be good for my skin. It smells too good. It’s a cleanser, it does the job. My face feels refreshed after using it, and not completely dried out. This product is made to be refillable. There is also an option for fragrance free.

FAT WATER

What is toner supposed to do? I’m not exactly sure. A quick google search tells me it preps the skin for moisture. I guess it’s supposed to freshen up the skin after you’ve done your cleansing routine.

This particular toner does just that. I also feel that it doesn’t wipe my face of natural oils like some other toners do. You know the ones. You apply it and your face feels ✨squeaky✨ clean and dry? Fat water leaves your face feeling clean and not dried out.

Flash Nap

I tried this on a whim because I have “under eye problems”. I use quotations because it’s only a problem concerning what forms of beauty are acceptable. Not going to dive much into that. When I first applied the product I felt a tightening feeling under my eye. I’m going to say that means it works. I still use it. No itching or burning to report. This I can feel working so if you’re someone who is concerned about that I would look into it. I don’t use it often, but it has been lasting a while. You don’t need to apply much, so you’ll get several uses out of this one.

✨PRO KISS’R✨

For me? Oh this is a Holy Grail product. I love that I can just put this onto my lips like lipstick opposed to digging scrub out from a container. Although! I find myself scraping off the top part after I’ve used it because I don’t want to leave those dead skin cells just sitting there. I apply it, rub it all over my lips with my finger, and then wipe it off. My lips feel amazing every time. Soft and supple.

Porcelain Doll

I don’t try too many serums, but I’m open to exploring more. I got this one from the Naked Peach. It’s supposed to seal and lock in moisture. During this cold weather that’s exactly what I need. While using it I haven’t noticed THAT much of a difference, but it’s something I would use again.

✨Healing Ointment✨

If you have any kind of facial scarring, try this out. Nezuko plays too much. She has bitten me in the face on several occasions. I believe these to be love bites. Either way, my nose and chin have been subject to her abuse. I did some quick googles on products for scarring and this one came up. It WORKS WONDERS. It’s a thick product and you don’t have to apply much to the affected area. I love product that not only works! But works for a LONG time.

*Nezuko recently scratched me in my face. I WISH I had taken a before/after photo. The scarring was under my left eye, and it happened Friday. I’m typing this up a good 4 days later and it’s gone. This WORKS.

Moisturizer

Hydra Vizor Invisible Moisturizer

Moisturizer for the day! It smells amazing, you only need about two pumps, and it has SPF. Now being someone who has melanin, I understand the struggle of the white cast. You buy a moisturizer with SPF, put it on your face, and all of a sudden you’re casper. This product also leaves a white cast, BUT it’s not as prominent and once you rub it all in it fades away. This product is also made to be refillable.

Instant Reset Overnight Gel

I love this overnight cream because it isn’t heavy on my skin. I don’t like putting on creams that feel like I’m putting an entire face mask on. You don’t need apply much so this is another product that’ll go along way. It’s also made to be refillable.

Face Mask

Charcoal Mask

I love a good mask. I got caught up in the fad of skintight masks that you pull off your skin. I quickly learned that wasn’t for me. THIS masks clears your pores and leaves your face feeling moisturized.

Charcoal Honey Mask

I read something about honey, and bought into the fad. I don’t use this one as much as the pore clearing mask, but I’ll pull it out when I want to be fancy. Doesn’t dry out the skin. Feels good, hasn’t caused an allergic reaction, it’s something nice to have in rotation.

Aaannnd this is my skin! I love being outside and soaking up the sun. I used to wear makeup all the time. Pretty much every day, and at some point it no longer became fun. I found myself feeling like I needed makeup to show up in certain spaces. It was tiring. For self-care, I started doing a skin routine. It’s time that I take out for myself, and feel quite relaxed when it’s over. Sometimes I do skip it because I just don’t feel like doing it. That’s okay. I pick back up here and there when I’m ready.

I also use body scrubs, and lotion. The skin is the largest organ of your body. I’ve found that taking care of the skin on my body allows me to reconnect with myself. It’s a big pampering self-love party.

Not pictured are sheet face masks. I’m a fan of these two brands: Neutrogena and Esfolio. Those are the two I gravitate to the most, but I’m open to others.

I’m so happy I’ve been able to get this up and out. Folks have been asking me about my skin care and now I have something to show them!

Yeah, I announced a whole new website and then didn’t post for weeks. Yup. That surely happened. I got busy with school and playing the Sims. I also needed some time to think about what kind of educator I want to be. Still thinking about it, but instead of sitting with it, I’m going to move with it.

💡Random thought: Let me know if ya’ll want a post of my lovely Ulta finds. I’m big on bubble baths and that’s where I get everything that I use. Either comment or @ me on twitter. @LingerieSlayer

Please be patient with me during this transitional period in my life. I’m figuring it out one day at a time and trying not stress myself. THANK YOU FOR READING!!! Thank you for stopping by my blog, it is always appreciated. 💞

To new beginnings

So I decided to do a rebrand. It wasn’t planned. At all.

I very much enjoyed the summer. I didn’t even think about it coming to an end with fall right around the corner. It’s so cold now. I hate being cold. I LOVE Halloween and costumes, but I can’t stand this cold weather. Seasonal depression has slowly been creeping around my apartment as well. It came with the cold chill of fall. I can’t stop talking about it because it’s so crazy to me. The summer heat felt like it was going to last forever.

Felt like it was going to last forever because some cool things happened.

Got my wisdom teeth removed.
Nezuko turned 1.
I got accepted into the Grad program of my dreams.
This blog turned 2 years old over the summer.
I turned 29 at the end of August.
Came up on my 2 years of being free from alcohol.

Life was moving! Amongst all of that I wasn’t making space to write. I was up and out. One of my favorite things to do over the summer was read in a park. Just outside enjoying life. I still plan to enjoy life outside, just bundled up and during the day time.

So many things happened that I didn’t think were possible. Writing this post is giving me a spark once again. I have the tools to combat this seasonal depression, but I still feel it. I notice the way I’m dragging myself around and taking longer to complete tasks. It sucks. BUT! I’m so grateful for everything that has happened and I’m grateful for what is soon to come.

I feel good about this name change.

Easier for folks to remember
Sounds cooler.

Along with the new name change, I of course had to change the layout. A simple layout I can continue to build on.

I ordered the latest Savage X Fenty VIP Box so I’m really excited about that. It’s a simple number, and simplicity is the name of the game. Once I grabbed that I ran back and checked out the latest drops in lingerie. Got two more little things.

Trust, I’ll be writing about those two packages.

Thank you so much for reading this personal update.

I’m beyond excited to be in this grad program. Beyond excited to start this journey in my life. Excuse there being no featured photo. Sometimes I get so caught up in the ✨social media✨ of it all that I actually miss out on posting because I don’t have a photo. No more of that. The words are what’s important.

I also don’t want to force anything. Just letting the creative process play out as is.

Thank you again for stopping by and I’ll see you again on the next post💕

Baby, this one is personal.

Today we’re talking body

*Yesterday was national Lingerie Day. I had completely forgotten about it. Only reason I knew was because I saw all of the social media posts. I haven’t been posting much to socials simply because I’ve been sick. Nezuko and I both got sick around the same time. She’s doing way better than me though. Running around. Eating. Doing this cute little stupid run she does. My bestie is up, I’m still down. It’s nothing too serious and I caught it in time. I’m loaded up on meds and I’ve been instructed to rest and keep my fluids up. Me resting is easier said than done because I always have something to do.

*TRIGGER WARNING: As always, take care of yourself first. There will be mentions of self-harm, sexual assault, and disordered eating.*

When Monday came around I did think about making a post. Had it up and I kept rewriting the caption. That’s when I just said, “fuck it, let’s take it to the blog.”

I have plenty of lingerie photos. Some old, some new. I settled on a picture from the boudoir shoot I did recently. Said picture is the featured image. And as I’m looking at the picture, I get to thinking. Thinking about the way I feel about my body. Thinking about the way my body is perceived. Thinking about the comments people have made about my body. Thinking about what it’s like to be on the internet with this body. Thinking about the first time I was sexually assaulted. Thinking about the relationship I have with food and how it has effected my body.

Chile. THOUGHTS.

I don’t even know where to start, but I have somewhat of an idea.

I touched on this some in my latest *Youtube Video. I don’t weigh myself, and I don’t keep a scale in my house. I was in PR when I weighed myself, by myself, for the first time in years. My friend booked us a horseback riding tour, and you had to put your weight along with other vital information down. I wanted to be correct about all the information I was putting down. Didn’t know my weight, but there was a scale in one of the bedrooms to help me out. I was already feeling anxious about it as I walked back to the room. I pull the scale out, cute little modern jawn. I hop on and it says 208 lbs. Now like I said, I don’t weigh myself. I have a history of disordered eating. Numbers and calories can trigger a few things for me.

So here I am, in Puerto Rico, looking down at this number between my feet. I told myself, “You can either have the time of your life or let this eat you alive.” I chose the first option. I left that room and still had the number ringing in my head, but it was just a number. I was out there living my best life. Titties out in the pool. Titties out at the beach. Horseback riding and seeing a beautiful sunset. Staying in beautiful places and enjoying the overall experience. I had a few photos I had to get off, and I tried my hardest to practice mindfulness. I had such a great time. I had great experiences with great people. Overall it was a good jawn.

So that’s the long story as to why I had to weigh myself. Now how do I feel in this present moment?

Honestly? I’ve never been happier. This is the happiest that I’ve ever been. The happiest I can remember being. I don’t want to be sad anymore. Now don’t get me wrong, some shit is indeed just that, sad. But I don’t want to wallow in sadness anymore. I used to think it was unfortunate that my life even got this far. I had so many negative thoughts about myself. I never imagined that I would hurt myself in ways that I did. The love I have for myself HAS to be this intense because the hate was disgusting.

This type of self-love didn’t come over night. I had to use affirmations HEAVILY. I had to question my own way of thinking. I had to verbally dismiss any negative thoughts. I had to let go of societal pressures. I had to make peace with myself. I’m still working on me. I’m still learning new things about myself. I’m still unpacking trauma here and there. I have a therapist and a psychologist. I take antidepressants. Putting that out there because do my meds help me? Yes. I don’t know how I feel about advocating for medication, I’m just speaking to what has helped me. I now have a solid routine that helps me out.

Being active and moving around also helped the way I feel about my body. Tremendously. I used to think about all of the things I couldn’t do on the pole. That made me so fucking anxious. Now I’m thinking, “well how do I get there?”. How do I get to looking like Mercedes from P-Valley? Practice, practice, practice. I wanted to get stronger, so I started putting in some work at the gym. I’m enamored with what my body can do. My only issue is relaxing on an injury and properly taking care of said injury. 😅 I got some kneepads last year and they fit now. So I have cushion with floor work. Very VERY excited about that aspect.

Being in the gym also helps with mindfulness. Being in the moment and focusing at the task at hand. I haven’t been in the gym for a minute though. I was contagious and didn’t care to put that on anybody else. Stretching and light pole work is being done in the meantime. I’m actually surprised that it bothered me being away from the gym like this. Because I was really into taking that time out of the day for myself, solid no distractions. I’ll be back at it soon though. Get myself some new workout gear while I’m at it.

(Now this is going to be a quick transition. We’re flipping gears here. To ME it feels like it’s coming out of left field. So you may be like “well what the fuck?” So plopping in another trigger warning.)

The first time I was assaulted I felt like it was my fault. It was my fault because of what I wore and what my body looked like. That ain’t true. It wasn’t true then and it isn’t true now. I remember wearing sweatpants and nothing but afterwards. I didn’t want to wear anything revealing, tight, whatever. Anything that was “showing” off my body was a no. Before then I was already being hyper-sexualized. Mind you before all this, I was dealing with an eating disorder. Started in middle school. Grew legs and started walking and talking on its own come high school.

I didn’t feel good at that period in my life. I was so sad. I was depressed. So much bullshit was going on and I processed that shit the best I could. The very fucking best I could. I would have so much to tell my younger self.

“Believe in yourself.”

“You’re going to figure this shit out.”

“Being a people pleaser ain’t it, put yourself first.”

“Focus on what you have instead of what you don’t.”

“This shit ain’t that deep.”

“You need to find a better way to get the emotions out. Find a better outlet.”

“You are not responsible for the way your body makes others feel.”

Words that I’m sure I really needed back then.

I was talking to my therapist about all of this of course. I mentioned that it feels like self-transformation. Surely started during the beginning of the pandemic and it kept going. I started with my hair. Then I had to stop drinking. Then I had to get serious about my mental health. It’s one thing to go to therapy, and another to actually use what you learn in therapy. Then I had to mentally and psychically work through trauma. Then I had to get comfortable with what I was seeing in the mirror. Real hot girl shit.

I remember my therapist asking me about comments folks made about my body on the internet. I’ve been on the internet for years. I’m talking about dial up days. The way in which I interact with the internet has surely shifted. Such as posting full body pictures in bikinis and lingerie. The internet is a wild ass place, and you do need a strong sense of self when you’re on it. I told my therapist I didn’t care, and I don’t. Yes, I make sure my angles are good. Yes, I prep and prepare the look to serve it. But I can’t worry about what someone on the internet thinks about what I look like.

If I cared about these words on the internet? A mess. The way diet pills, waist trainers, instant fat slimmers and the like are being shoved down the throats of young Women is disgusting. I remember when European skinny was the standard. It’s still the standard with some Black aesthetics thrown in there for ✨razzle dazzle✨. I do want to say, there is nothing wrong with wanting to look HOWEVER you want. It becomes a problem when there is only one standard and everyone else is othered.

I don’t buy into that market. I already did once. I took dietary supplements when I was too young. I tried to cover my stretch marks with bronzer. You see how hard I tried to fix or hide parts of myself? The thing about lingerie is that I can’t hide. I’ve pondered this every now and then. Particularly because of my self-harm scars. I was quite insecure about them for some time. Time is what I needed to process what I had done to myself and what I was left with. I’m not ashamed of them anymore. It is what it is. I even dabble in some dark humor when it comes to my mental health. Got a dark TikTok that’ll never see that light of day. Made me giggle.

Like I was saying, with lingerie I can’t hide. There’s nothing to hide if I must be completely honest. I don’t need any validation from the outside world. I can fully say, at the age of 28, I have a strong sense of self. I’m leaning into what I truly enjoy. I’m cultivating solid relationships in my life. I’m finding so much time to read. I’m excited for what is to come. I’m happy to be alive and that’s all I ever wanted.

*I started writing this jawn April 25th.

*Youtube: Chile, look. I’m still figuring it out. I was in the middle of filming a lingerie review, right? But then I was all in my head about being overtly sexualized on the internet so I chalked it. I wasn’t happy recording and I want to be happy when I’m filming and sharing things with you guys. That just wasn’t it. So yeah, I’ll figure it out at some point.

I’ve also been thinking about the kind of content I want to see from myself. I am overwhelmed with ideas, and have a hard time scheduling them. Some are quick one and done. Others require a meticulous hand. I’m so quick to say I can pull something off in one night. That needs to end soon. I need to love the process.

So I took some time with this one. A few days. As I write this, I’m still not sure when you’re gonna get it. I’m going to go through and edit.

As I sit here, it’s a Monday. I took Nezuko to the vet. Came home and made myself breakfast. Handled some housekeeping for EXACTLY two hours. (My kink is being on time. Honestly, truly. Chef’s Kiss.) Got everything done. Then I had plenty of time to deal with some personal projects. The day isn’t over, and I’m thankful for the time that I do have. I’m sitting cross-legged in bed and Nezuko is sleeping by my right thigh. I appreciate her company.

Thank you for reading!! You are always appreciated. I have some drafts I need to stop sitting on. This month I’m working on some house projects. Little things here and there. Regular upkeep. Adding more space, and throwing some things out. I’ve been dying for a hot day to open all my windows and do some real spring cleaning. I’m doing what I can here and there and that’s good enough.

I love my blog. I love being able to freely write about my life. I love YOU for reading through, AND reading my little tidbits at the end. Thorough. I like that in you. Having this blog has allowed me to create my own space on the internet. I’ve started blogs before, but never really kept up with them. This one? It feels like I’m chatting amongst friends. It feels warm. It feels valid.

The blog itself is changing. We’re both going to trust the process on this one, okay? Thank you once again and I’ll see you soon. 💕

Throw What You Know

NE. Hamaldi. FA12. #4. ⚓️.

The above information is greatly significant. When I joined a sorority I wanted sisterhood. I got that and more. I have family all over the place, and my home team is based in the Mid-Atlantic. Joining a greek organization is different for everybody. I can only speak on my experience, what I’ve learned, and what I continue to learn. I’m going to share that with you today. When you get a bunch of folks together, you get a ton of personalities.

This list is in no specific order. Just a few things I’ve learned from some great people here and there.

It’s not about what you say, it’s how you say it. I learned this one from my captain. My mouth was wild then and it’s wild now. Although, believe it or not, I’m a tad calmer now. I think before I react and I surely shoot a “Am I trippin or is it them?” to a friend if need be. Helps everyone in the long run. Be mindful with the words that come out of your mouth.
It’s okay to cry. There is nothing wrong with having emotions. There is nothing wrong with feeling hurt and expressing that. There is nothing weak about crying. Emotional release is helpful, it shouldn’t be frowned upon. Sometimes a good cry is all you need. Might lead to a headache after, but your shoulders will feel a little lighter. Also, tears aren’t always sad. People cry for many reasons. It’s okay to let whatever that is out.
Take chances. Sometimes you just need to say it. Do it. Try it. Anxiety can be so scary, but do you think about what’s on the other side? You will never know until you try. You’ll never know what you can do unless you put yourself in the position to do it. Believe in yourself.
Love hard. Don’t shy away from love. Don’t shy away from making mistakes. This goes for friendships, relationships, etc.. It’s okay to really appreciate someone and show that, let them know that. Love yourself even harder. All those beautiful nice things you want to do for someone else? Do them for yourself first.
Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Be true to your heart, and true to those around you.
Laugh more. LAUGH. Sometimes life is just that. Funny. Funny like you wouldn’t believe. A good laugh here and there will keep your head straight.
You’re stronger than you think. I have seen so much transformation and power from my siblings of SLG. I’ve seen them accomplish so much emotionally, and physically. I am ALWAYS so proud of my people. As I write this one, I’m not even gonna hold you, I’m tearing up a little. I’m thinking about some G’s I know personally, and they are really IT. I’m giving everybody their flowers NOW because they deserve them NOW.
Life is what you make it. This one goes back to taking chances. Don’t be scared to start over. Don’t be scared to face rejection. Don’t live in fear. Be secure in the choices you make. If it all goes to hell, at least you tried.
There’s nothing wrong with putting yourself first. You can pour your whole soul into an organization, and end up forgetting about yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking a step back to evaluate. The organization will still be there. Go get yourself right.
This family for life. Listen. I can’t fit all of the stories I have in one post. I can’t thank and love down all of the people I know in one post. All of ya’ll would need your own separate post. Now in this one I’m talking to all of the Gammas I personally know. I love ya’ll. I can’t thank all of you enough. I can’t tell you I love you enough. Without ya’ll I don’t know what this life thing would be. I remember crying at probates with ya’ll. Driving out to meet new members. Getting well needed words of wisdom. Laughing until tears rolled down my cheeks. I’m so thankful that I have gotten to know you. I’ve also met quite a few of you from social media. Twitter did its thing when it gave me ya’ll.

If you’re a fellow Gamma, HAPPY FOUNDERS DAY!! I hope you enjoy your day. 💕💜 I’m somewhere with a couple sisters being great.

This post was inspired by my chapter sisters. They may not know it, but every single one of them has taught me something.

This year I’m feeling extra ✨sisterly✨. Probably because my line turns 10 this year. I think that’s precious. I’m excited about that. Somehow someway I want to get us all together. It’s only 3 of us, but we all have a lot going on. I’m sure taking some time out to celebrate wouldn’t hurt our schedules.

We were all together last weekend.

My captain and I both pulled up, at the same time. First of all, I read the fuck out of all of that. Like thank you universe. We drove out to see our heart. It was her birthday, it was adorable. I made sure to get pictures of all of us because we hardly have any together. Haven’t been together like this in a few years. Had some time to catch up. I’m so proud of all of us. We’ve all chosen paths true to ourselves and I admire that.

Now? I end the post.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!!! Your support is always appreciated. 💞💓💞

The layout I have now? Ended up enjoying it. I’m gonna keep it. There are some new sections on the blog you should check out. Good pics. Good soup.

Lingerie review coming next Wednesday. Fetish post coming that following Friday.

Thank you once again, and I’ll see yah then. ✨🤸🏾‍♀️✨

Taking some time

Things are going to be a little slow around here for this week.

I’m taking some time to handle personal things. Trying to plan time to see some out of town friends. Nursing my damn knee. AND! Putting up with Nezuko crazy ass. I also have these XL length nails on. They make typing a hassle.

If you’re reading this you will see the blog has a new layout. Is it permanent? Nah. I still want to tweak it a bit. I’m also thinking about a ✨rebrand✨. I want content creating to feel like a fun hobby, not a chore. At times I get in my head about every little thing. I’m really trying to get over that. Also as an introvert I’m finding that my time in front of the camera sure will run out. Or I’ll start overanalyzing the way my body is viewed on the internet and call it a day.

I’m 28 years old and I’ve been overtly sexualized ever since I was 12. Most of the time I just want to sit around and mind my business. Reading, playing the Sims, figuring life shit out.

I got this book in PR to assist my relationship with food. It’s not about dieting. It’s about being mindful and taping into the emotional ties we have with food. So far I’ve been doing well. I had to take a week off from any real physical movement. Didn’t enjoy that. I hit my knee on the pole because I didn’t completely believe in my movements. But, but, I’m less afraid of the pole. There’s a period where you feel like everything that can go wrong will. I had to learn to trust the security of my pole and trust myself.

I been killing that shit. So that slight hiccup I had really pissed me off. Today I did that same move again and again and again just because I could. Feels good when you finally get something down. Now all I need to do next is walk on air. 🙂

I have knee pads and these really cool socks I’m gonna tell ya’ll about next week. So I have quite a bit of cushion for floor work. I’m trying my best to take it easy, but I spent two hours on the pole last night. Even as I type this right now, I’m wondering if I can get a full sesh in, and hell no it is 11:45 PM. I’m also realizing that some dates are coming up sooner than I expected. To keep it a buck with you chief, I don’t know if it’s dissociation or the amount of things going on. Could be both. Two things can be true at once.

My closet also needs cleaning like nobody’s fucking business. I could hardly walk in there. Depop and my friends will be seeing me. The amount of wigs I have? Insane. Plenty of new wigs and I just keep buying more. I’m going to take some slight inventory tonight while I pick out my last outfit for filming. Make note of any new storage I need. Things are going to get done.

Thank you for taking the time to read this one! I always appreciate all that stop by. The pole and the gym have been my therapy for the past month. Everything hurts and I love it. I might need to ice my knee a bit tonight. Got a wrap for it sssoo I’ll put that on in the morning.

I didn’t do my Spring cleaning, and I’m hoping that I can get to that this weekend. I just wanted a warm day to do it. Open up all the windows and light some Palo Santo. Simple tings. Anyway, I’ll see you next week babes💕

PAUSE! PAUSE! PAUSE! PAUSE! Before I end this, ya’ll know I gotta talk about SavageXFenty finally opening up stores, right? I teared up when I read the news. I didn’t want to get too excited. I didn’t want to go on day one either, to be completely honest with yah. I want to experience the store on a day as calm as can be. When I go ya’ll will surely be the first to know. 💕💕💕

Mania.

So. This post will have a trigger warning. If you proceed to read through, thank you. If not, thank you for taking care of yourself. I understand. Also there may be some Euphoria spoilers.

Valentines Day was yesterday. I spent some time in bed with Nezuko, and then hung out with one of my best friends. Fun conversation, laughs, oui’d, and a really good movie on Netflix. Love and Leashes. My friend picked it, and I’m glad she did. It’s a cute movie and does a great job at introducing BDSM dynamics. I highly recommend it.

Anywho.

After my friend went home, I proceeded to get in some me time. Cleaned this apartment, cleaned up after Nezuko, rolled a blunt, and watched Jujutsu Kaisen from the bathtub. Took a nice steamy hot bath. Even threw a bath bomb in that bitch. Once I got out, I started to do my skin care. I had my aloe vera, straight from PR, out, rinsed, and ready to go.

I cut off a piece, and went to moisturize myself in the bathroom. As I was slathering some aloe on my left leg, I realized. I love myself.

It wasn’t a realization that I really put together until today. I had therapy.

Now here is where we are gonna get into the nitty gritty.

Folks are watching Euphoria right now, I’m sure. I see ya’ll tweets. These last two episodes have been sad as hell. Ep. 6, in particular. We’re instantly thrown into Rue’s home and she’s going through withdrawal. Had this not been mentioned, I would have thought she was having a manic episode. I’m sure you could still call what she had….a manic episode.

She’s yelling, screaming, and letting every harsh emotion come out. Verbally, emotionally, and physically. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see myself being played out on the screen before me.

“You hate me!?!? Well so do I!!”

I despised myself. I hurt myself. I hurt those around me. I was the worst part of myself I had ever seen. I was embarrassing. I felt embarrassed of my behavior. People I loved were afraid of me. I was manic.

Mania for me is heart racing, words spewing from my mouth, long text messages being sent, intense surges of emotion. Anger. Hate. Sadness. Stress. I would say it was some monster. But no. It was me. That was me.

I didn’t know how to help myself. In those moments, I surely wanted to die. I didn’t want to exist. I felt like an absolute burden. I didn’t know how to communicate my needs because I didn’t even know what I needed. The come down isn’t the worst, and it ain’t the best. Once my mind started to slow down, I felt horrible. There was always a “lets asses the damage” kind of moment after it all. What did I break? Am I hurt? Who do I need to apologize to?

The clean up? Embarrassing. Just embarrassing, nothing else to say really.

The meds I had at the time weren’t doing shit. Fillers in an anime if you will. Just. There. And that would be a fucking loop right, someone asking me if I was “taking my meds?”. Girl, I did, and look at where we are.

Things had to change, the way I felt about myself had to change, and I had some healing to do. Change is scary, but sometimes badly needed. My psychiatrist at the time seemed to have a hard time refiling my medication. So I found a new psychiatrist. Found a new therapist as well. Both are Black Women. I’m Black, I wanted my mental health professionals to be Black.

Changed up my medication because what I had surely was just filling space. I was scared to make that change. Anti-depressants aren’t my favorite thing in the world. That adjustment period can be some shit. Questioning yourself and the medication. Holding on just long enough to see it all pay off. Eventually I did see a pay off.

Now I’m bringing you into the present.

I have great friendships. I have a cat, named Nezuko, that really helps with my anxiety. She is so affectionate and follows me everywhere. I don’t know what I did to deserve her, but I’m so happy. I’m out here smiling more. At some point I remember looking at photos and not seeing many smiles. I changed that.

Took a trip with some friends this year and tried to let some fears die down. I’m still in my head about my content. I always am. Something just hasn’t clicked the way I need it to in that sector of my brain just yet.

I stopped drinking. Haven’t had a sip of alcohol in one year and five months. That in itself was a journey. That in itself deserves its own space to flourish.

I’ve been indulging in myself. Loving on myself. Spoiling myself. To the point where I say this self-love is getting violent. I finally have the space to DO THE WORK. I spend tons of time in self-retrospection. I spent some solid time thinking about my gender the other day. It was so cool because I’ve never analyzed my gender the way I have my sexuality. Not that that needed much analyzing.

But this gender thing? Wild. Crazy. What did I figure out?

I’M STILL WORKING IT OUT😃

Fun shit. Some real fun shit.

All around I’m having a great time. Enjoying new experiences and taking some journeys.

Thank you for reading!!!! 💕✨💕

I enjoyed writing this one. I’m an advocate for self-love and taking care of your mental health. I’m an advocate for people just being themselves.

Hope you liked this one, hope you had a great V-Day.

Time has been getting away from me so I’ll be cleaning house for about two days. 😅.

Once again, thank you for reading. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being you. See yah next time!!

🎉HAPPY NEW YEAR🎉

I’m so happy to have you here! I’m so happy you’re reading my first post of 2022! I have a good feeling about this year for me and all of those around me. I ended my year on a GREAT note.

I was invited to talk on a podcast during that last week of December! Late Night With Ler and Lionel is a podcast hosted by two Philly natives. I had so much fun talking kink and answering a few emails from listeners with them. The episode is titled “Spank Me ft. Lucas“. You can find them on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and they even have merch! I’ll link all of their links here so you can check them out.

I booked a Cosplay shoot with another Philly creative. Said shoot is coming up this week! I’m revisiting an old Cosplay with a few new ideas. I don’t have any professionally done Cosplay photos so I’m SUPER excited to see how everything turns out. I’ll also be working on another kinky project with them down the road. We’ve been mutuals on twitter for a minute, and just recently started planning things. I truly love that for us.

This year is all about taking chances. Doing shit that is scary and anxiety ridden. 2022 is the you stop beating yourself up about your content and just put that shit out. I say this for myself and anyone else reading. I STILL have some content that hasn’t seen the light of day because I deem it imperfect. To be completely honest somebody would eat this shit right up, so I need to say fuck it and upload it.

I’m getting out of my head today and forever. Oh! I also took myself out. on a lunch date for New Years Eve. It being NYE didn’t really mean much to me. I just wanted to do something meaningful before the year was up. I went to this ramen place I’ve always wanted to go to and bought every damn copy of Komi Can’t Communicate 1-15 that I could. It’s out of order like shit, but best believe I was getting Komi Can’t Communicate.

This is truly going to be a good year for me, and I can’t wait to see all that unfolds.

Thank you for reading and stopping by! It’s always a pleasure when you take time out of your day to read what I write. It’s always appreciated and puts a HUGE smile on my face! 😁

I’ll have a lovely lingerie review up for you tomorrow! 💕

Journal Entry 2

Girl. So anyway..

Just got news that AVNStars will no longer allow monetization on their site. This means I, along with many others, can no longer make money through their website. This means, all of our content will have to move.

This site offered SO MUCH compared to others. That 80% payout being one of them. (80% compared to the standard 60%) You were also able to post free content to your page. So you would have content for all viewing (even without subscription) and fun stuff behind a paywall. This along with other cool features are only going to be available till January 1, 2022.

No more subscriptions, paid groups, tributes, drains, or pay pew view messages.

Great. Terrific. Awesome.

Now that I’ve gotten into my groove of scheduling content, they do this. This change is being made to comply with banking rules. There was no hint of any future monetization in the message I received. Only them talking about endeavors they, as a business, shall continue.

I can’t stress to you enough how fucking annoying this is. Imagine you’re working on a project for work, right? You’ve been putting your whole pussy in that jawn, and they tell you they’re cutting all your shit. The funding, the presentation, the workshop. They’ve told you to pack your shit up and figure it out.

That’s exactly how I feel right now. The very funny thing is that when we get these emails, there’s never a “here are other places you can go”. This being because they would rather see creators suffer than turn us to their competitors. Nothing to soften the blow, it’s all sunshine and be positive. Fuck it.

I wish these sites would get their hands dirty and start talking politics. Let’s address the fucking elephant in the room. Then again I AM asking much from sites who have shown their lack of comprehension for race politics.

The main thing that I’m thinking about with all this. You are pushing Sex Workers off the internet and into the streets. You are completely deleting someones source of income with NO FUCKING REMORSE. I’m writing this post off rip from finding out the news, and realizing there is SO MUCH to unpack here.

These clip sites/fan sites do not care about us. They do not care about our physical or mental wellbeing. They surely don’t care about our bills. They don’t care about the hours of content we’ve built up on these platforms. They. Do not. Care.

Nothing is being said, but these clip sites are showing us what and who they truly care about.

My best advice to anyone who wants to help out? Tip your favorite content creator. Follow your favorite on all of their platforms and stay up to date. Go all out with showing your support.

It’s not even 2022 yet and PLENTY of changes have been made. I truly fear for what we’re going to see next year.

This was announced today. Changes will be made if there are any new updates. I don’t see AVNStars going back on their word. I will personally be searching out other Adult Friendly sites. Didn’t think I would be doing this in December, but here I am.

Truly a shitty thing to read on the 1st of December. Crazy for it to drop on the 1st of December.

I enjoy creating my own fetish clips. I enjoy making customs. I’ll be prioritizing sites and rearranging my post schedule this month.

This monetization shit is too damn much.

I truly appreciate you for stopping by and giving this a read. Thank you. Thank you so damn much. Take care of yourself, and stay warm💕