I remember when the aspect of performing gender was brought up in one of my first sex ed classes. Even as I think about my gender, I can’t find the words to describe it. Does cis feel right to me? Does non-binary feel right to me? Unsure. And I think it’s okay to sit in this state of confusion. Perhaps not a state of confusion, but a state of playing with gender. A state of trying to understand what gender means to me.
I am perceived as a cis woman. I think that’s important to note because we are still unlearning things we’ve been taught about gender. We are still deconstructing gender roles and the idea of a gender binary itself. We’re learning. And perception is how we’ve been socialized to think about gender.
A memory sticks with me. More so a memorable message if you will.
When I was a kid, I was really into Pokemon, Digimon, Sailor Moon, Beyblade, Zoids. Early Saturday morning anime. Of course I had the toys to go with my childlike wonder. Zoids was really popular at time. Like Gundam, only animals. Robotic animals that a character would pilot. I thought that this was the coolest thing that ever existed. My favorites were the ligers. I remember having the blue one and the white one as models. Names escape me but I remember what they looked like.
Even as I type this I’m smiling like an idiot because it was nothing but pure joy and excitement. And I’m seeking to get back into Zoids models.
They sold them as action figures or models that you could put together yourself. Speaking of putting things together yourself, reminds me of legos. Which I was also very much into. Doing stuff with my hands, putting things together, figuring out what goes where and why. That was so much fun for me. I’m not sure where the lines began to be drawn between “girl toys” and “boy toys”.
I’m not sure when I picked up my first barbie doll. I can’t remember the exact moment when Bratz and My Scene dolls held the same space as my Zoids models.
But I do remember this.
I was playing in the other room, and my mother was on the phone with my aunt. I was playing with my toys and absentmindedly listening to their conversation.
“I’m so glad she finally picked up a doll.”
In that moment it hurt, and it still hurts now. Because all I saw were toys. Colorful objects to use during play. It didn’t occur to me that these manmade (haha) objects had gender. Child me started to lean into barbies more. But don’t worry, I couldn’t let Pokemon and Digimon go. Still can’t. I’m currently taking my time with Pokemon Sword. Just downloaded the DLC jawn. I have to and will have every single legendary Pokemon in the game. That’s how that’s going.
Anyway
I remember having a Barbie, and the the Barbie airplane. I was infatuated with that airplane. (I just googled that plane and would you know it is on Amazon for $500? Five. Hundred. Dollahs. I don’t even think the plane was cracking triple digits when I got it as a child. There is something to be said here about the current American economy and capitalism as a whole, but that’s a paper fr fr.) I had the bratz doll heads you could do hair on, Bratz dolls themselves, my little pony, my scene dolls, the horses for Barbie, all these presumed girly things.
I don’t have much else to say about Barbie. I just needed to talk to ya’ll about the obnoxious price of this toy. AND I just went back to the link to see if maybe the price went down. CHILE IT WENT UP! $555.55. THEY THINK THEY CUTE! THEY THINK THEY ABOUT TO GET THE GIRLIES WITH A LIL ANGEL NUMBER. $555 is a plane ticket. I’m blown. (Trust me, I understand it’s most likely a collectors item at this point. Still has ridiculous price.)
Aaannnd now we’re in the present. This is the last of my drafts. Ironically enough I grabbed The Myth of the Wrong Body by Miquel Misse off my shelf on the way to my nail appointment today.
As of now, she/her pronouns feel right.
But I’m not gonna lie. Non-binary fictional characters make me so happy. I just found out that Mangle (FNAF) is non-binary and I was already in love with the character design. I damn near did a flip in my living room.
It is now December 31st 10:22PM.
I’m excited for 2026. I’m excited to create. I’m excited to write. I’m excited to dig into some good reads. Oh! Also excited for two new horror movies coming in Jan. Primate and 28 Years Later: The Bone Temple. There are so many things to look forward to. A spark has been lit and I gotta keep with it.
Thank you for being here with me. Thank you for reading. Thank you for checking out my blog. Thank you for being in this with me. Your support is always appreciated! ✨🤸🏾♀️✨
HAPPY NEW YEAR YALL! 🥳
Lingerie Slayer 
Thoughts?