Which stands for premenstrual dysphoric disorder.
I wouldn’t be writing this post had I not found a subreddit for it.
What is PMDD? What is premenstrual dysphoric disorder? I’ll be talking about my personal experience, you can read some medical info here. When I would get my period, heavy emotions would come with it. I’m talking depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. And it would always ramp up when my period was about to come on, and begin to fizzle out once I finally got said period.
It became a cycle of endless torture because I was already dealing with depression and anxiety. Anti-depressants helped some, but I was still dealing with intense emotions when it came to my period. Things have definitely changed since last year.
Last year I found myself heavily crying the morning of a gyno appt. As I got ready I thought the crying would stop and it just came on harder. A friend at the time sent me a text, I sent her one back letting her know I wasn’t doing so well, and then she called me. I’m sure I wasn’t making any sense because I was overwhelmed, anxious, and didn’t understand the true source of these tears. She assured me that going to this appointment might be helpful. So I slapped on some sweatpants and hit the road.
Nothing is worse than a bright day when you’re already anxious. For me at least, I feel like I have a magnifying glass on me and everyone can see that there’s something wrong with me.
I park. I walk in. I’m trying to hold my composure in the waiting room because I’m sure the last thing they need is some hysterical woman.
The nurse walks me back to the exam room and I start crying as I tell her what’s going on. I mention PMDD, she asks me my symptoms, I tell her everything that’s been happening for the last few years. She gets the info and leaves me to get undressed and wait for the doctor. I’m already crying on the table at this point with my coochie out to the world. Doc comes in and she sees I’m going through it. She’s aware that I’m in grad school at this time and it’s been stressful, but she hasn’t seen me like this.
Now I’m already on anti-depressants so I really don’t think that anything is going to help me at this point. Then she mentions birth control being a solution for most of her clients that have PMDD. Now I’ve never taken birth control before. So you know my anxiety ran with that one. What if I gain weight? What if I get acne? Superficial thoughts honestly. Superficial thoughts that come from being socialized to believe that fat is bad and that “good skin” is devoid of any blemishes. By time I get to fretting about having to try different kinds, my exam is over. Exam is over and my gyno already has a script for birth control written up and ready to go.
I sat with those pills for about two weeks before I took them. I started a small section in my journal for this experience. Logging emotions and physical changes fell short due to cranking out those papers. I spent so much time on go during that time that I didn’t think about my period. I didn’t think about the ibuprofen I would have to take because of cramps at night just to get some sleep. Pads, tampons, pantyliners. Planning outfits around my period. Choosing sweatpants over lingerie due to fear of bloodstains.
I feel a peace that I never thought was possible. I was never a fan of my uterus or getting a period. PMDD was the icing on the absolutely fucking not cake. I tried to change the way I felt about my period. That didn’t work. Not having a period, that works.
I’m coming up on a full year of taking birth control. (Would you look at that) As far as noticeable side effects, not getting a period is the main one. There was some spotting along the way. This is attributed to my body getting adjusted to the medication and a few nights where I missed a dose by accident.
Another physical change I noticed was back pain. When it first started, it hurt so bad that I would only be able to get up hunched over. I found that yoga and a hot epsom salt bath soothed the pain. Of course I brought this up during my last gyno visit. She referred me for an ultrasound. I’m not that worried about it since I’ve found ways to deal with it.
Emotionally? Mentally? I don’t want to die, I no longer lull myself to sleep with suicidal ideation. Now I’m out here trying to make the most of each day because it could indeed be my last. A zest for life if you will. A desire to live.
Depression has been alleviated, and anxiety sneaks up on me at times. But the focus is on what I can control opposed to what I can not. I’m challenging the anxiety by jumping at great opportunities the minute they are presented to me instead of starting the “what could go wrong/how is this going to work” list. The details can always be figured out.
So yeah, yah girl was dealing with PMDD for many years and I finally have the peace I never thought was possible.
If you’re curious about the image for this post. As I was scrolling my phone for a featured image, I stumbled upon this one, and immediately went, “yeah dassit.”
In some current news, I ordered my cap and gown for graduation. I have no idea what I’m going to wear. I’m thinking about a dress. I need to start looking and ordering a few things now. I could look in my closet, I could buy something new. I could thrift it. Need an idea first because I will go in there and buy everything but something I want to wear for graduation. It’s going to come together.
Like always thank you for reading, and thank you for being here with me. It’s always a pleasure to have you. 💕
Lingerie Slayer 
Thoughts?