Resilience

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

The first time I actually owned a bamboo was in college. It was a little gift they were giving away one night after some event on campus. A small bamboo, in this small glass, with these small little marbles that kept it hydrated. Of course I had to put some water in every now and then but those lil balls did a lot for me when I would be depressed and forget to water that baby.

I was always pretty fond of the bamboo plant. Of course it’s always associated with calming scenes and it has a je ne sais quoi that has always lured me in.

I have a lone bamboo in my apartment and that’s probably fine because I can barely keep up with it as is. I can barely keep up with myself. The scene in my room right now is me crying, throwing up because my stomach can’t hold anything, and Grey’s Anatomy is playing in the background. I don’t really watch this show but emotional release is cool since I can’t really keep anything down right now. I’ve brought my bamboo plant from my living room, to my bathroom, to right by my bedside.

My bamboo grew some yellow leaves due to my negligence. I’m throwing up yellow stomach bile due to my own negligence. Symbolic in the worst way.

Fixing this damn plant was easier than fixing myself, I simply cut off the yellow leaves. Do you know how resilient a bamboo is? The bamboo is green all year round, a bamboo grove can possibly last for 100 years, bamboo does not fight the storm, bamboo wethers the storm, and returns to its naturally straight upholding shape. As I sit here I wonder if I need the bamboo more than it needs me. Probably. Most definitely.

I lacked in my self-care, I lacked in regular care. I feel like shit. This is my body telling me that I need sleep, proper meals, and self-love. I made a couple mistakes. I am not necessarily pleased with them, but I can not beat myself up over them. I have to move forward. I have to be resilient like this fucking bamboo. And I say this not to ignore my emotional well being, I say this to let myself know, Imma be okay.

But I do not want to be resilient by pushing my body when I KNOW it is tired. When I know that I have reached my limit. When I know that I need sleep.

I want to be resilient in peace. Pushing myself for a run after I’ve diligently made myself breakfast. Pushing myself to start something revolutionary. Pushing myself to use my coloring books when I feel like I absolutely can’t cope. (YES! Coloring books are fucking great if you deal with depression, anxiety, etc. It makes you focus on the task at hand, and you can create something cool.) Pushing myself on a new pole move.

Right now I’m pushing myself to finish this blog post while I take breaks to throw up into a trash can, and that ain’t it.

Resilience is not stopping. Resilience is knowing you fucked up and you gotta keep it pushing. So that’s what I’m planning to do, but with care.

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Like always, thank you for reading, thank you for stopping by. 💕

If you’re curious about the panties in the featured image, they are SavageXFenty. They’re from an order waaaaay back when, so they aren’t on the website anymore. Although, if you look up microfiber thong you should be able to find something similar.

Look. Take care of yourselves. Go after what you want. Know your mistakes do not make you. Somebody sees what you’re doing. Somebody gonna notice you putting in that work. AND LAUGH! Please laugh. Laugh until you fucking cry.

Stay blessed up. 💕